The Man With Two Right Shoes

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Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
The Man With Two Right Shoes

On the street, a very non-gritty-looking balding dude is opening his lil' computer shop. Geek alert! Woop woop! Di and Kirky cruise up and start firing questions at him, like, does Jason Lopez work here? Uh, yeah, sure he does? Are you ladies interested in a computer? As a total aside, I cannot believe that ANY detectives ANYWHERE, let alone NEW YORK CITY would actually look into this non-theft case. Aren't there more corpses in bathtubs they can check out somewhere? Anyway, Bald Geek says he has an apprentice program and Jason is in it...well, actually Jason is the ONLY apprentice...well, really Jenny (LeTourneau!) Peters, Jason's teacher, said to SAY that Jason works at the Geek Store. She's a "saint crusader for Latino kids." Wow, is that like a superhero or something? LATINO CRUSADER TO THE RESCUE! Kirky dryly says, "Really? Is she a crusader for Latino girls too?" Di goes, "Stick around." And they split. Bald Geek is petrified.

Sip is on the phone to EMS, trying to find out about the missing gold ring and Rolex. In struts Danny Phillips, from the firehouse. "You were at the hotel scene?" Sip asks. "Cigarette in a bed? Yeah, we were in and out." Danny's super-casual. Breezy, even. So very not suspicious! Sip asks, "You were aware that this was a crime scene?" Yeah! "And you think the cops might have taken the jewelry?" Gay John starts looking at them. Danny goes "Woo woo woo," sounding not unlike one of the Three Stooges, "we were there, we left! If you have personnel problems, I'd just as soon not hear about it." What an ass. Danny goes to strut his way out of there and then goes, "Ooh ooh ooh, Andy," "Ooh ooh ohh, what?" answers Sip. "The DOA and his Johnson: Separate funerals?" Then Danny makes a zipping-up-his-zipper gesture and and an Ow! face and dances on out of there. What class and tact! Boy, if I were a firefighter I'd be boycotting this show. Oh wait, they are! Go ahead. Gay John looks at Sip again and Sip pushes away from his desk and stomps off.

In cruises Jenna Eflman. Oh no, it's Jenny Peters, the Latino Crusader. No cape or mask, just a blue shirt with three-quarter-length sleeves. Very teacher-y. With arms folded and a stern, teacher-y face, she says, "I've come down here to set the record straight about Jason Lopez." Diane is a little taken aback because no one had actually contacted Mary Kay LeTourneau -- I mean Jenny Peters -- yet. Martinez and Kirky come over and sit down as Jenny remains standing and delivers a little lecture about Jason: "He's fifteen, is mature and intelligent, and writes poetry that would make your soul cry." Diane, Kirky and Martinez all barf, then continue to indulge Our Miss Peters. She's so unselfconscious that she actually says, "Do you people have a problem with white people helping Latinos?" OH MY GOD! Saying "you people" is an invitation to get smacked, right up there with asking "Do you know what your problem is?" Anyway, Di slowly says that it was Jason's MOTHER who had concerns, not the police. Miss Peters says, "Sonia lacks the sophistication to understand what it is I'm doing." HOW PATRONIZING! Martinez says, "Well, we do try keep our women simple." Zing. Di says that Sonia feels that Miss Peters might be overstepping. Miss Peters says, "I've been overstepping for fifteen years." Oh, well, that makes it all right then! Please go ahead patronizing minorities for their own good! Di asks, "So, he likes your helping?" Miss Peters gets a disgusting self-satisfied smile on her face and says, "He depends on it." Then, all irate and put-upon, she hissyfits out and says, "I've finally found a boy who's completely worthy of all my efforts and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers." Martinez says, "That's mighty big of you." ["Shout-out?" -- Wing Chun] Mighty white of you too, Miss Peters! Then she stomps out! See ya!

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