NYPD Blue
The Man With Two Right Shoes

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The Man With Two Right Shoes

Sip, Ricky and Medavoy all convene in Fancy's office where he tells them to hit the bars, looking for Tommy the Tattooed Perp. Since Sip is such a giant homophobe, this should be really enlightening.

We get some nice establishing shots of Christopher Street, where cops should be scared to go (Stonewall!), and the camera takes us into a gay bar. Ricky starts dancing wildly and Sip and Medavoy start making out...sorry, that was in my dreams. Sip shows the bartender a photo of Tommy the Tattooed Perp and for some reason (a cheap laugh, perhaps?), the bartender has to bend over revealing his total ass in buttless leather chaps. Sip is all, "Put an apron on right now!" The bartender says he wipes his hands on a towel, and Sip goes, "What, are you a big wimp?" For wiping his hands on a towel? No, that's called being sanitary. "Where are your dungeons?" asks Sip. They don't have any, says the bartender. So Ricky and Sip go to check out the bathrooms ("right through the chain-link fence"), leaving Medavoy to fend for himself. Trembling, he inches away from a totally cute guy who's checking him out. AS IF! Medavoy's a sweetie, but PLEASE, he is not cute.

In the bathroom, which has some nice pencil drawings of -- surprise -- naked men with nice butts, Ricky and Sip collar Tommy and take his knife. Sip says something about needing to take a piss, but decides not to, asking rhetorically, "How can you urinate in this environment?" Uh, by not being a giant homophobic freak, that's how. As they drag Tommy out, the bartender waves his barely-covered-by-an-apron-ed ass at them and asks if he "can take this off now." Medavoy, speechless, just points at him and runs away. WHAT ARE THESE COPS AFRAID OF!?

Back at the precinct, Di, Kirky and Martinez are telling Fancy about Our Miss Peters. They think she's screwing around with the kid, because she's been caught in a lie (via the computer store "dimwit") and has admitted to having Jason in her apartment. Martinez brightly says it's "part of her effort to rescue the downtrodden Latino race. That's a felony, right?" Kirky goes, "She's over twenty-one, he's under sixteen -- that's rape three." Martinez goes, "That's a neat felony." WOOOO! They decide to bring Jason back in.

In an interrogation room, Ricky and Sip are laying into Tommy. Not like that. Tommy says he's "Not guilty," and that all the evidence is "circumstantial." Then there's a bunch of talk like "play for the other squad" and "you hide among fruits" and a bunch of double-talk like "you never pitched into the mitt," and finally Tommy goes, "So if you found me in an automobile assembly plant, you would accuse me of being a car?" Then Sip says if Tommy touched the guy's "po-po" he must be gay, and to touch it he would have had to hike up the DOA's big belly, and Tommy said he "didn't touch po-po!" and I have NEVER heard of the phrase "po-po" in my LIFE and I WENT to grade school in New York, so PLEASE. Finally Ricky asks Tommy if he was "commercially motivated" to be a gay prostitute, and Tommy says that he was. Tommy describes his credo of prostitutin': "I will screw your ass, I will spank you, you can lick my feet, but do NOT try kissing me." That seems reasonable. Hookers have rules, you know. Then Ricky asks if Tommy told the DOA that, and yeah, he did, but when he was cleaning up, the guy snuck up behind him and "stuck his dirty, fat, wet tongue in [Tommy's] mouth." Ricky goes, "Whoa," and Tommy goes, "What would YOU do?" Sip answers, "Say no more." Tommy makes a little hiss and I cannot BELIEVE the homophobia on this show.

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