Off the Map

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On the Mean Streets of San Miguel

So anyway, the toot-toot-toot island flute music means it's times for Plastics and the Comic Relief. He calls in Zee for an assist, since he can't find any cause for the priapism. Boner Jerk makes a big deal about how he doesn't want any nurses, and how he doesn't want anyone, nurse or not, touching his swollen member. Plastics is like, "Nobody wants to, dude," while Zee gives him an en español dressing-down, closing with "I'm not a nurse." She's also the one who figures out that the priapism is being caused by a bite on his arm from a banana spider. Plastics asks if they call it a "banana" spider because of what it does to the...you know. She's like, "because they hide in bananas." Plastics is all, "Totally what I meant." I know he's the thattiest of That Guys, but Zach Gilford is just so adorable, I kind of love Plastics. He explains to Boner Jerk that they're going to give him anti-venom and also something that will alleviate the pressure in his wang. And hopefully that works, because if not, he's open to stuff like impaired future erectile function or gangrene. Boner Jerk wails as Plastics stresses that these are worst-case scenarios. Boner Jerk yells at the two "idiotas" to start in the treatment immediately. Plastics and Zee make their exit, Plastics observing that their patient is a "douche." Si," Zee snarks, "it crosses cultures." Wah wah.

After the break, Plastics comes upon Alma, the pretty bartender he was flirting with last week. He doesn't seem to register her worried expression, instead he nervously babbles about how they exchanged "holas." Then she starts unloading a whole bunch of Spanish he's not ready for, though she finally says "Elan," which is Boner Jerk's name, of course. Plastics recognizes that, figures out that Alma's checking in on him, and starts leading her back to his room. Now, Plastics is already being kind of naïve about why this pretty girl is here to see this hot guy in the hospital, and that's before he totally blanks when she says Elan is her "novio." Okay, we're not beyond incredulousness that none of these doctors picked up a phrase book before heading to South America. I want to know what language they took in high school. "Novio" is SO BASIC! Jeez. Anyway, Plastics gets it when he and Alma get to Elan's room and she runs up to hug and kiss him and his big, painful boner.

San Miguel. Doesn't look so scary. Dr. Ben says he's going to the hospital, he'll meet them back at the truck at 5. That's in five hours, at which point Lily confidently boasts that she and Charlie will be having tequila shots by then. Dr. Ben blinks at her, then deadpans, "Don't give him alcohol." Next thing we know, Lily's in a line at the post office, but when she gets to the window, the surly lady tells her that they can't sign off on the medicine until Lily gets her form stamped by the department of health. Cut to Lily, back with the department of health stamp, only to learn she now needs an immigration stamp. Lather, rinse, repeat, only now she needs a stamp from customs. Bureaucracy, hey! So now, a decidedly more haggard Lily winds down to the customs official, who looks at her stone-faced as she makes a plea on behalf of her very sick patient, only to shut the window on her. "They're closed," Charlie explains. "Siesta." Oh, Latin America! Charlie asks Lily if she's ever heard of "The Mean Streets of San Miguel." It is apparently a very popular song.

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Off the Map

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