On The Lot
Episode 1

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Episode 1

After a whole freaking song by Daughtry (like we don't know your first name, douche), American Idol finally ends, and we start On The Lot with an optimistically lofty montage of movie clips -- from Casablanca, The Godfather, and whichever of the Lord Of The Rings movies had Gollum in it -- of the sort that this show's hopefuls will almost certainly never achieve, because if they had any talent, they'd have agents, and if they had agents, they wouldn't be on this show, signing their lives away. A girl in a sequined jacket tells us some pap about movies as the clips continue: Raiders Of The Lost Ark (shut up, Spielberg) is the favourite movie of some dink who graduated from film school twelve seconds ago. Star Wars: movie quotes unite the world, according to some girl. Rocky: an unseen guy says almost everyone on earth likes watching movies. Kudos to the editor who found the most predictable, content-free things a bunch of film nerds could say about their craft. Then there's a crane shot over some fakey-fake backlot bustle, in the middle of which Chelsea Handler appears to tell us that the semi-finalists are taking the (very disappointing) Universal Studios backlot tour. Cut to them, obligingly clapping for the cameras. It takes four trams to haul their asses around. Come on, now, that's way too many. Some nerdy string bean is impressed by the tour of the fake backlot, including even more Spielberg product placement: the plane crash scene from War Of The Worlds (booooooo) and the shark from Jaws (...eh, I think I was too old when I first saw it to really appreciate it). Chelsea's voice-over returns to introduce us to our concept: Project Greenlight, with way more people and no swearing. Some gr'up in a hoodie is thrilled to have this opportunity, like it isn't harder these days to avoid being on a reality game show. Some femmey lesbian is also grateful to be on the show. Some balding dorkus needs this to work or else he'll have to defer his dreams until his kids get older. We see a few clips of the semifinalists' entry submissions, which look...like not much, given that we get no context for them at all. (Apparently you can watch them online, if you care.) One is animated and looks more expensive than it probably was. Chelsea says that they made their submissions with digital cameras and laptops, but that they'll be challenged to "step up their game" once they have access to Hollywood resources (read: a costume warehouse, if the b-roll is any indication). We learn that this affair is going to last thirteen weeks, and only one of the contestants is going to make it...ON THE LOT.

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On The Lot

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