On The Lot
Episode 5

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Couch Baron: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Episode 5

Okay, like, this morning, I saw an ad on the side of a bus for this stupid show that said something like "Your vote determines who will be America's top director" or something ridiculous like that? And I wondered how that was going to work, because the news last week was that the show was supposedly combining its "performance" and "results" shows into one. But at the beginning of the show, they tell us that there's still voting, so I have no idea what the hell is going on, and I'm not sure anyone's going to tell me. Anyway, tonight, they tell us that five of the fifteen remaining directors are going to compete against each other. Notably, the three contestants who got cut last week don't even appear in the credits, which fits well with the show desperately trying to forget everything it does from week to week, and also with the Fox network trying to erase whatever meager memory we may have of the token foreigners that were triply bounced last time.

Adrianna (they couldn't have gone for another hostess change?) has to shout over the "cheers," which means that either she's too dumb to calm the audience down/wait for the audience to calm down or she's yelling over fake cheers, which is a hundred times sadder and thus probably the truth. Carrie looks like even her plastic surgery is rebelling at how fake everything around her is. Our guest judge is Michael Bay, and much like Joe R, I completely hadn't heard that he has a film coming out. What was it again? Adrianna says that the final fifteen want to be the next Michael Bay, like, don't even joke about that, and then we get clarification that ten of the contestants are going to get to sit with their thumbs up their butts this evening, and tell me those ten didn't hotbox whatever tiny cubby they get as a dressing room. So we're going to see five films, with these parameters: they can't be longer than three minutes each, and they were done in five days. I wonder what the big deal is, because if they had access to a professional crew like they did last week, that's not that tough, kids. I mean, it might be tough to make the films really good, but that hasn't been much of a concern so far. So:

Cute Sam! After film school, he did a short called Lazy Monday, which Adam Stein (yes, the one in this competition) actually wrote and acted in, and he was "an internet success." There are models for internet success in film, Cute Sam, but YouTube isn't one of them. His film, Broken Pipe Dreams, is about a guy who loses the ring with which he's going to propose to his girlfriend down the toilet, and he has to get it out despite "a scarring experience he's had with toilets in the past." Oh, Cute Sam, you couldn't have stopped at Farting Through The Ages? So, the protagonist "comedically" drops this ring, with all the clichéd presentational cuts and angles you'd imagine, and he's afraid of the toilet because his dead fish from his childhood got flushed down the toilet? Or something? I mean, some of the execution is reasonably funny, especially a part where he's got all these differently colored towel threads stretched out and he's trying to figure out which one to cut like he's defusing a bomb, but...well, let's not dwell on thinking about how he manages to use the toilet for numbers greater than one. (Hey, Hilary started it.) Anyway, then there's some stuff with physics and Foley guys on crack, and then he breaks a pipe and gets sprayed with super-fake-looking toilet water, and he gets back the ring and the fish from decades ago. I'm not really sure what to say. Sam, I still think you're cute?

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On The Lot

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