Once Upon a Time in Wonderland
Down the Rabbit Hole

Episode Report Card
Mindy Monez: B | 97 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
We're All Mad Here (At ABC)

But she’s lying, of course, as we’re treated to a Wonderland flashback with CGI by Friskies. It’s awful. But, we do get to see Roger Daltrey’s Caterpillar (he looks worse than normal Roger Daltrey), and a look at Alice deftly outrunning the Red Queen’s soldiers (or the Queen of Hearts’? I don’t know whose soldiers they are) in a hedge maze. Alice finally evades the soldiers by chomping on a mushroom that shrinks her down to ant-size.

Back to the asylum scene, the bald man is yelling at Alice in frustration. She tells him her story wasn’t true, and that she made it all up. He doesn’t buy it.

Back to the hedge maze. Shrunken Alice decides to hide out in a discarded bottle she finds just hanging out in the side of the hedge maze road. This bottle turns out to be a genie’s bottle, because, oh yeah, this Alice in Wonderland tale is mashed up with Aladdin. Don’t ask me why.

The good news for Alice is the genie is young and hot, and they have some sassy flirtatious banter. He tells Alice his name is Cyrus, and that he’s from Agrabah, and she’s immediately smitten. Oh, also she reveals to Cyrus that she has kidnapped the White Rabbit and plans to drag him back with her to England as proof that Wonderland exists. On a first date she does this!

Back in the asylum, Bald Man is still berating Alice about her stories of being in love with Cyrus, which cuts to Alice and Cyrus on a romantic Wonderland date overlooking some boiling oceans. Deadly hot springs! Cyrus proposes to Alice (she accepts, natch) and they get some make-out time in before he explains to her that their hearts are entwined now, which means that his necklace will glow red when she is near it. He’s very lucky she’s a teenager. Try talking about your glowing red necklace love GPS to a grown-ass woman, Cyrus. Maced in minutes, I tell you.

Suddenly, the newly betrothed couple is ambushed by the Red Queen and her soldiers. Alice and Cyrus pull swords and fight the soldiers and win! Hooray! But then the Red Queen waves Cyrus off the cliff and right into a certain death in the boiling sees with her magical Queen hands. Alice is devastated, and the Red Queen coyly says "Oops." The Red Queen is kind of a bitch. Comically oversized lips, though!

Asylum time. Bald man tells Alice a "new procedure" can take away her pain. A tearful Alice wants in, and literally sings right up for a lobotomy. You know, how unmarried Victorian women were always making their own medical decisions.

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Once Upon a Time in Wonderland

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