So we finally got to see what went down between Anastasia and the Knave that ruined him so badly, and it basically amounts to this: When the happy couple got to Wonderland, they were all "Livin' on a Prayer," broke and holdin' on to what they got, it doesn't make a difference if they make it or not, until Anastasia grew tired of that (basically 5 minutes after they got there) and broke into the palace to steal the crown jewels, only to instantly become the king's trophy wife. That's actually what happened. She dumped him for a rich guy who found it adorable that she was a hot criminal. That's it. Pretty anticlimactic.
In the present, the Red Queen sends Alice on a quest to get some mysterious magic dust for her in exchange for info on where Cyrus is being held. Alice goes through a bunch of drama to get the dust for her -- including confronting a creepy younger version of herself -- and succeeds, but the Red Queen being the Red Queen, she double crosses Alice and doesn't tell her anything. Luckily, Alice is not an idiot and steals some of the magic dust for herself and uses it to make Cyrus's sex dungeon tower appear (it had been cloaked in MAGIC this entire time).
Her timing's not awesome, though, as Cyrus has already used his wishbone saw to bust out of his cage and escape. The White Rabbit redeems himself a little this week by not turning Cyrus in when he catches him escaping, but I still want to stuff him and put him in a taxidermy exhibit somewhere awful, like a highway rest stop in West Virginia or something.
Jafar had a light week this week, but he did torture the White Rabbit into telling him who else Alice cares about besides Cyrus, and sent him through a magic portal to retrieve said person so he can use him or her as Alice bait. I'm assuming it's Alice's father, so there will be ever so many daddy issues next week. Oh, joy. It should be mentioned that Jafar scored a bajillion points with me this week by chopping the White Rabbit's foot off during his interrogation, but then he lost them all when he reattached it. The White Rabbit doesn't deserve feet, dammit!
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We begin with a flashback to Will and Anastasia, hand-in-hand, poised to jump into the portal to Wonderland. Anastasia's mother interrupts them, and she immediately presents herself as quite the piece of work. She has a cockney accent and a bad attitude – she bluntly calls Will a loser and says he's ruining Anastasia's life. Not saying it's not true, but these are things civilized people say behind people's backs, not to their faces. She's also disappointed because she wanted a queen for a daughter and Anastasia didn't deliver. Apparently anyone can be queen if they try hard enough in the Robin Hood-verse? All the poor people should have just done that instead of relying on the Merry Men, in that case.
Anastasia's not evil yet, so she says she doesn't need money, she has Will and she can live on love! Ahh, youth. It's all dating boys your parents hate and racking up credit card debt. Anastasia tears up, says goodbye to her mother through clenched duck lips, takes Will's hand and dives right into Wonderland.
In the present, the Red Queen is wearing an outerwear gown, which is a new wardrobe feature for her. She's overlooking a vast cliff and thinking very hard about something. Suddenly! She seems to have an idea. Her Idea Face is very Felix the Cat, don't you think? I laughed.
Oh, Alice. She is covering Statue Knave with a shawl, but she decides to put it over the top of his head, so he ends up looking like a doofy British Mother Teresa. This show is on a roll tonight with the sight gags! She's like, "There you go!" like she's improved his situation in any way. She apologizes to him and promises to get him out this somehow.
The Red Queen surprises her then, and Alice draws her sword. Obviously, the Red Queen is merely annoyed by this, and tells her to calm down so they can make a deal already. You see, the Red Queen needs some magic dust to protect herself against Jafar, and she needs Alice to get it for her. In exchange, she'll show her where Cyrus is being held. When Alice tells her no thanks, she'll find Cyrus on her own, the Red Queen reveals why it's been so difficult so far – Jafar's sex cage tower is cloaked in magic, and cannot be seen with the naked eye. Alice silently agrees to the deal.
Speaking of Jafar's sex cage tower, Cyrus's neighbor has just arrived back from a torture session, tired and bruised, but actually looking pretty good, all things considered. Cyrus asks him what Jafar wants from him, and he just says it's something he will never get. Cyrus's neighbor is the Sultan, right? Right. Cyrus moves on to some pretty big news: They're busting out of prison today! Yay!