And then a series of Alice and Cyrus falling in love flashbacks begins. We see Cyrus give her the red rhinestone wishes and explain the four Laws of Magic: he can’t kill anyone, he can’t raise anyone from the dead, he can’t change the past, and he can’t make anyone fall in love. These are the Laws Jafar and the Red Queen want to change, but they’re reasonable people. I’m sure they have good reasons. After he grants her three wishes he’ll go back in the bottle, a slave forever, which sucks.
Alice and the Knave end up on an island in the middle of lake, which actually turns out to be a giant turtle that Alice STABS IN THE FACE to force it to carry them the rest of the way across, which is a little much, guys. I know you want us to see Alice as a highly capable badass, but let’s not go nuts here. Who stabs a turtle!
Back in flashback-land, Cyrus tells Alice all about Jafar, his signature serpent staff look, and what a jerk he is. He also completely blows her mind by making her an origami rose on a dinner date. Ahh, to be young and stupid again. The romantic bar is so wonderfully low.
More Red Queen/Jafar stupidity. She tries yet again to assert her royal authority, and once again he physically intimidates her and she relents, this time telling him where the bottle is. Or so Jafar thinks. Treachery!
Flashback to Cyrus teaching Alice how to sword-fight in the woods, throwing in a little vaguely sexual knife play culminating in the least electric kiss in television history. Honestly, the Red Queen and her gay nail salon guards have more chemistry.
Fresh off their turtle ride, the crazy ex-girlfriend fairy catches up with them on land and threatens to turn the Knave in to the Caterpillar, who has placed a handsome bounty on his head for a debt of some kind. Oh, also, she teases him about some girl named Anastasia, who broke his heart. Great! I hope this parade of psycho ex-girlfriends never ends!
Flashback: Cyrus and Alice underneath the Towering Tom Tom Tree, Cyrus moping. He tries to break up with her, claiming that he can’t bear to lose her after she makes her wishes because he’s falling in love with her. She promises never to make her wishes, and they kiss like third graders in a school play again. They resolve to bury his bottle now that they have no need for it.
In the present, Jafar and his magic carpet fly to the Tom Tom Tree, where he releases his horde of magical beetles (from the movie!) and orders them to dig until they find the bottle. Alice and the Knave watch him doing this from a safe distance. The Knave consoles Alice on losing to Jafar, and Alice is like, bitch, please. I sent false rumors into the atmosphere so I’d find out who would come for the bottle. Genius! Remember how Paris Hilton used to brag about doing the exact same thing to find out who her real friends were? She’d tell different insane rumors about herself to each member of her entourage just to find out which ones would end up in Us Weekly. Alice and Paris Hilton are both brilliant game theory strategists, is what I’m saying. Moving on.