And they set off to the bottle’s real location in an abandoned topiary garden. Unfortunately, once there, they find that someone has already dug it up and stolen it. Alice assumes Cyrus did it, and has “moved on” from her. She is devastated. But wait! That thing Cyrus was doodling before? It was a love note that he folded into a magical origami crane. He sends it to fly off and find Alice. I never thought I’d say this, but origami saves the day!
Then, Jafar storms in, furious over his failed quest to find the bottle. He puts Cyrus in a magical chokehold and demands he tell him where the bottle is. Before he can kill him, the Red Queen appears and gives him the FYI that she knows where the bottle is, and won’t tell him until he shows her some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Jafar is put in his place, finally. You go, girl. Gotta teach people how to treat you. Oprah taught me that. So the power dynamic in that thrilling duo has shifted for now.
And who told the Red Queen the real whereabouts of the bottle? It’s that rat bastard the White Rabbit of course, who has been spying on Alice since way back in the Cyrus days. He is such a creep. Let’s slash the budget by killing him and invest it in some realistic-looking trees!
Alice and the Knave in the topiary garden. Alice is freaking out about Cyrus dumping her well into the night, while the Knave empathizes and begs her to find shelter because Wonderland is a scary fucking place. A mentally ill cat with superpowers could show up and eat you at any minute, woman. Check into a Holiday Inn before it’s too late.
But before any of that can happen the origami crane flies in, Alice reads her love note and knows Cyrus loves her after all. He begs her to go home and be safe, but neglects to mention the part about how he’s trapped in a sex cage in Jafar Tower, but I guess she’ll figure that out eventually. Alice writes "I’m Coming for You" on the crane with her finger and sends it beck where it came from. Great. Very helpful. How about asking him WHERE HE IS, too?
Next week: More swords! More origami! More comically-oversized Red Queen lips! A leather bear party in Underland! Can’t wait!
Want to tweet about this poor, god-forsaken show with me? I am available at all times and spaces at @garnisheater. I am the White Rabbit of social media and so can you!