Once Upon a Time
7:15 a.m.

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A | 2 USERS: C+
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Why the Caged Bird Sings

Snow White, who I would guess wouldn't put up with much of Mary Margaret's whining about love, is spear hunting like a boss when she almost clocks Red Riding Hood. Red is far too bony to make good eating. In her defense, Red looks kind of deer-like, although the bright red cloak should have been a giveaway.

Snow explains that she wasn't expecting her for a month and Red points out that it has been a month. Snow is all set to make some small talk, but Red is having none of it. "Ask me!" she demands, so Snow relents and says fine tell me. Red fills her in on Prince James' wedding details. ("There's going to be a swan pond. I know, tacky right? And they are doing a cupcake tower, which is so last year. And I heard that the wedding band is all harp. Who does that? And the bride is wearing white. What a laugh, right?")

Snow is startled to hear the wedding is in two days' time and wishes she could just forget about that darn prince. Red tells her that she heard rumor of some guy who does back alley love killing. It's illegal, but they both know it's her body and her choice. All Snow has to do is track him down in the murky dark swamp where he lives. If only love killing was legal he could be in a nice clean, regulated office on Main Street! When will people ever learn?

Snow jumps at the chance to kill the love growing inside her. Cut to Snow in a cloak leaping gently onto a dock. She is tying up her boat when a crusty voice comes out of the fog. How much? Snow spears him and gets on with her life. Well, she should have anyway. The disembodied voice moves out of the fog and becomes embodied in a crusty old face to match the crusty voice. The back alley love killer? It's Rumpelstiltskin of course.

He grabs Snow's face and does a Golem impression, "My precious! You are the fairest in the land." Snow steps back because ew. She still doesn't spear the little creep, though, because she really wants to kill her love for Prince James. Rumpy laughs that love stinks almost as much as the potion he's about to give her. He fills a bottle up with pond water, plucks a hair from Snow's head and adds it to the mix. Ugh, I would rather be madly in love with a married man for eternity than drink a hair. * Shudder *

The cost for this potion that will make Snow forget that James even exists? Just a hair. He wants to get paid in human hair? Oh jeeze, Rumpy, just get back to your LARPing okay? Freaking weirdo. By the way, this entire scene is a near-exact but much less funny version of The Legend of Old Greg from the brilliant BBC series "The Mighty Boosh." (Hands off, ladies, Noel Fielding is mine!) Seriously though, someone has been watching a lot of the Boosh. Or maybe picked up the set at a clearance sale.

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Once Upon a Time

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