Once Upon a Time
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

Episode Report Card
admin: A | 6 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
My Art Is A Lonely Punter
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

I've started this recap six times, and six times I have deleted it -- a couple of thousand words in. I'll give you writers a moment to gasp in horror, before I continue. Don't fret. I do this all the time. If I don't like what I've written, or if I get stuck, I get rid of the whole thing. My friends who are real writers -- writers who, unlike me, create their own characters and plot -- used to try to counsel me against being so rash. "Just start a new version," they'd say. "You might want to cherry pick from earlier drafts, later on." I just can't. If I hate what I've written, it weighs down on me such that I can't write at all, until I delete the document and empty my Mac's trashcan. Whoosh.

I think I've been hating all over previous drafts of this recap, because I hate this Horowitzing episode. Wait, that's a lie. This is a fine episode. I just hate the one, truly Kitsisy thing that happens in it. I should warn you. I'm not going to do that thing we recappers sometimes do, where we start writing like we haven't already seen the episode and don't already know what's going to happen. That's right. I'm going to Mother-Horowiting "SPOIL" you right here and now, and I don't want to hear any Bull Kitsis about it, either.

In this episode, this nasty, mean-spirited episode -- writers/creators Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz kill off Sheriff Graham, in Storybrooke. Oh, they act like Regina kills him, but we know the truth, don't we, my pets? I thought I was upset when they defanged Maleficent and bleached her hair. That was child's play. Oh sure, we'll probably see more of Jamie Dornan as the huntsman, when we get flashbacks to the Enchanted Forest. But right now? I don't care. I want my hottie sheriff back. I want him back in Storybrooke. I want him back now. You are not a CW show, Show. You don't exactly have the hottie depth of, let's say, The Vampire Diaries. You can't just indiscriminately kill off our male eye candy. Well, you can, but who's left now? Charming, and that's about it.

Storybrooke, Night, Granny's Diner that Doubles as a Saloon: Sidney (Magic Mirror Guy) is impressed by Sheriff Graham's dart throwing prowess. Even though I love Graham, and am so sorry we're losing him, what kind of Kitsisy dart board is that? Everything inside the triple ring has removed and replaced by a photo of a stag. Anyone could hit that Horowitzer. Graham has hit the deer in the mouth, the heart and the shoulder. I think I'm supposed to be impressed, but you know, I've seen drunks throw three bull's eyes in a row. Heck, I've been a drunk who has hit a bull's eye on more than one occasion.

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Once Upon a Time

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