"Not feeling anything is an attractive option, when what you feel sucks." --Emma.
I'm tempted to leave the above as my recaplet and just go drink. In fact, if I didn't have kids, that's exactly what I'd do. I'm just distraught, y'all. They killed Graham in the Storybrooke reality.
I don't really have anything else to say. I watched the episode 3 times in a row, so that I might be inspired to say something, and yet? There's nothing -- nothing except THEY KILLED GRAHAM. I can't even add the South Park-ian "Bastards," after that, because I'm so distraught. I'm giving it an A, for now, but only because it managed to slay me. I may well change that grade after doing the full recap and I may not. Right now, I don't even want to watch this show anymore, but when I manage to stifle my id for more than three seconds, I realize that may well be because the writers did some great work -- in making me care about Graham as a character, in making me buy into the possibility of a Graham/Emma romance, and then in breaking my heart. Maybe. Or maybe I don't want to watch anymore, because it just smells of ass sauteed in feet. I really can't tell.
I don't even know or care what else happened last night, beyond this: Graham kissed Emma. Graham experienced flashbacks from his real life in the Enchanted Forest. Graham is, indeed, the huntsman who spared Snow White's life. Graham ask Mary Margaret if she believes in other lives, and no Mary -- he does not mean reincarnation. She mentions Henry. Graham goes to Henry. They read the book. They learn the huntsman was raised by wolves. There are more flashbacks. And there's this guardian wolf or something that follows Graham in Storybrooke. When Graham touches the wolf, he remembers even more.
I forgot to mention that somewhere back there, Graham foolishly tells Regina about his recovered memories. I yell at my TV. Later, Graham makes clear he feels nothing for Regina. To rub salt in the wound, Emma points out that while Regina blames her for everything, Emma didn't find Henry, he went looking for her, and Emma didn't kiss Graham, he kissed her.
Hell hath no fury like an evil queen scorned, so Regina goes to this crypt, takes Graham's freaking, glowing candy-apple red heart out a hidden box where she's been keeping it (because she removed it in the Enchanted Forest and kept him as a sex slave, after she found out he didn't kill Snow), and crushes it into dust. Graham dies in Emma's arms. I lose the will to live.
There's a whole lot of Evil Queen/Snow White back story in the Enchanted Forest. And apparently? Mary Margaret had an off-screen one night stand with Dr. Whale, but who even cares? They killed Graham. I'll be back with the full recap, ASAP, assuming I regain the will to live, or at least the will to earn my grocery money. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the forum, if you can even talk about this.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!
I've started this recap six times, and six times I have deleted it -- a couple of thousand words in. I'll give you writers a moment to gasp in horror, before I continue. Don't fret. I do this all the time. If I don't like what I've written, or if I get stuck, I get rid of the whole thing. My friends who are real writers -- writers who, unlike me, create their own characters and plot -- used to try to counsel me against being so rash. "Just start a new version," they'd say. "You might want to cherry pick from earlier drafts, later on." I just can't. If I hate what I've written, it weighs down on me such that I can't write at all, until I delete the document and empty my Mac's trashcan. Whoosh.
I think I've been hating all over previous drafts of this recap, because I hate this Horowitzing episode. Wait, that's a lie. This is a fine episode. I just hate the one, truly Kitsisy thing that happens in it. I should warn you. I'm not going to do that thing we recappers sometimes do, where we start writing like we haven't already seen the episode and don't already know what's going to happen. That's right. I'm going to Mother-Horowiting "SPOIL" you right here and now, and I don't want to hear any Bull Kitsis about it, either.
In this episode, this nasty, mean-spirited episode -- writers/creators Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz kill off Sheriff Graham, in Storybrooke. Oh, they act like Regina kills him, but we know the truth, don't we, my pets? I thought I was upset when they defanged Maleficent and bleached her hair. That was child's play. Oh sure, we'll probably see more of Jamie Dornan as the huntsman, when we get flashbacks to the Enchanted Forest. But right now? I don't care. I want my hottie sheriff back. I want him back in Storybrooke. I want him back now. You are not a CW show, Show. You don't exactly have the hottie depth of, let's say, The Vampire Diaries. You can't just indiscriminately kill off our male eye candy. Well, you can, but who's left now? Charming, and that's about it.
Storybrooke, Night, Granny's Diner that Doubles as a Saloon: Sidney (Magic Mirror Guy) is impressed by Sheriff Graham's dart throwing prowess. Even though I love Graham, and am so sorry we're losing him, what kind of Kitsisy dart board is that? Everything inside the triple ring has removed and replaced by a photo of a stag. Anyone could hit that Horowitzer. Graham has hit the deer in the mouth, the heart and the shoulder. I think I'm supposed to be impressed, but you know, I've seen drunks throw three bull's eyes in a row. Heck, I've been a drunk who has hit a bull's eye on more than one occasion.
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