Once Upon a Time
The Queen is Dead

Episode Report Card
Cindy McLennan: A- | 6 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Happy Birthday

Neal examines Gold's wound and says they have to get him to an E.R. ASAP. I wish I could write the rest of the recap in abbreviations, but alas. Gold says medicine will be of no use, because Hook's hook was coated in a poison of Hook's own making, so there's no antidote in this world. He needs to get back to Storybrooke, where there's magic. Neal offers to get a car, but Gold says they need something faster -- Hook's ship. Great, just go down to the harbor and look for the gulls that are perched on apparently nothing. You should find it right away, assuming a million other crafts haven't slammed into the invisible behemoth. Emma's still adjusting to her true identity and all the crazy surrounding it, so she's a little shocked she'll be sailing on the Jolly Roger, but Rumpy doesn't have time for that, so he grabs the Contrivance Fairy's wand and explains that it's the fastest vessel in all the realms. And what luck, Neal knows how to sail it. Emma's all, "You know how to sail a pirate ship?" Neal: "Yeah, I do." Oh, well that muds that right up.

Sidebar: Look, I know it's my job to laugh at all the improbabilities here -- that Hook sailed to Manhattan in record time, knew where to find Gold, blah blee bloo. I don't care. I complain and poke fun when I'm in the mood, but seeing how I've already fully bought into Rumpelstiltskin and Captain Hook being mortal enemies, I can make do with the slim explanations offered within the story. These characters are from another world with other rules and have other abilities than our own. Hook said his ship was made of enchanted wood. I don't need this to make ordinary sense. I respect you too much to fake up ire, when I'm currently ire-free. And to be perfectly truthful, I'm grateful to the writers for not bogging me down in mundane detail in some attempt to make these fantastical events make sense. There's no way it would be fun to recap.

Storybrooke. David and Snow drive to the convent to seek Blue's help. Yes, Snow calls her "Mother Superior," but c'mon, Show and Snow. Call her Blue. I'm sorry. I still don't like it when Enchanted intimates are more comfortable using the Storybrooke names. That's my problem, I know. I'm hardly consistent these days, but I like to think I'm at least consistently inconsistent, or would that be inconsistently consistent. Whatever. Blue's magic is pretty impotent in Storybrooke, but she has sensed a disturbance in the force, that is, she knows a lot of dark magic has been expelled. They fill them in on Cora and Regina's search for the dagger, then Snow says, "Please, Mother Superior. You're our only hope." If this show brings in Star Wars characters, please look for the remains of my brains on my office window. We cut to the...

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Once Upon a Time

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