One Tree Hill
To Wish Impossible Things

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The Fabulous Life Of...

Well, according to TPTB, nothing came before this week, because we jump right in to the "Annual Boy Toy Auction," where you can "rent a Varsity Raven for the night!" Woo hoo! Let's hope this is a truly annual occasion, not like the "annual" festivals they have on Gilmore Girls where every year has about sixteen different celebrations we never see again. Anyone remember the Dance-a-Thon? Anyway. The crowd's a-hopping as gaggles upon gaggles of girls head on into the gym for the auction. Of course, in a bit of casting genius, the southern lilt of Whitey makes for a perfect auctioneer. In the background, we hear him yelling, "Come on! Let's get those bids up; it's the Annual Boy Toy Auction!" Women count their money and listen as he shouts, "Okay, I've got thirty-five dollars, do I hear forty! Oh, come on, people! It's for charity!" There's an "extra" Raven modeling a nice suit on the runway. The credits roll underneath as the lights flash and Mouth hangs onto a headset. I guess in addition to his sportscasting duties, he doubles as the A.V. Club geek. "Do I hear forty-five? Forty-five! Do I hear fifty?" Whitey looks a-mighty handsome in his monkey suit. A girl screams, "Fifty dollars!" Whitey points at her and shouts, "Fifty dollars!" He looks around and continues, "Remember, this is your chance to have these boys at your beck and call for one night. Do I hear fifty-five?" Whitey holds out his gavel as an open challenge. He gets fifty-five dollars for the extra Raven. Slam! Sold at fifty-five!

Outside the gym, Sherri, with a fancy man-bang-inspired haircut, denies Brooke her Boy Toy. Apparently, you can't pay with a credit card, no matter if it's platinum. Sherri says, "I'm sorry. Auction rules say cash only." Brooke leans in (she looks fabulous, by the way; her hair is in a pretty side ponytail and her eye make-up looks fantastic) and says, "Here's the thing. I'm kind of coming out of a dark place right now. And I could really use the distraction. I need this boy and I need him tonight." Sherri insists, "I understand, but by rule I have to give him to the next highest bidder if she has the money in hand." Sure, Sherri says she's sympathetic, but her clammy little Booster Mom hands sure grab the bills quickly from the next highest bidder. In a funny little bit of I Love Lucy faux-comedy, Brooke and Sherri do a tug-of-boy as the sign is taken away from our girl and handed to her competitor. Brooke bitches, "That did not just happen because I had an entire evening planned." She puts her hand on her hip and blows hard: "What am I supposed to do now?" Sherri says calmly through her bangs, "Well, there are four boys still up for auction and a cash machine right down the street." Brooke fumes for a minute, says okay, and then trots off to access the bank of Mommy 'n' Daddy.

Haley bounces up to Peyton and asks her if she sees anything she likes. Peyton giggle-replies, "I'm seeing everything I like, but I think I'm gonna bid on Jake." My thoughts exactly. Haley says, "You guys are really hitting it off, huh?" Peyton replies, "We're just friends, really." Pause. "What about you? Are you ready to fight off these rabid skanks for Nathan?" Haley replies, "Actually, I think I'm going to bid on Lucas." Really? "Yeah, I haven't had the chance to spend much time with him lately." She hip-butts Peyton and continues, "I get Nathan for free." They giggle. Like schoolgirls, which is good, because they are schoolgirls and not twenty-something Hollywood-types who want the exposure or anything. Anyway. Who's up next? There's a collective groan in the group as everyone checks their programs and moans, "Oh no! Tim." And right on cue, Dim bounds from behind the curtain, dancing almost as poorly and with about as much rhythm as the newly exited JPL from American Idol. He struts like a rooster. He shakes his ass in front of a poor girl's face. Young girls giggle. Whitey looks aghast as he tries to start the bidding at thirty dollars. Nothing. Tim grabs his foot and attempts the Will Smith Fresh Prince dance. "Do I hear twenty?" In the audience, a Booster Mom says to Deb, "That boy's going to pull something." He kneels at the front of the stage, clasps his hands together, straightens his arms, and pulsates. That boy is so off-beat I don't think he and the music are even in the same country. Whitey calls out for a ten spot. Deb checks her wallet. She says, "I suppose I have some chores around the house." She pulls out what she has in her wallet and says, "Eight dollars?" Whitey jumps on her faster than his team does on the ball: "Sold!" Dim looks up and gives the "right on, right on, right on" look to Deb. He's thinking, "Whoa, hot Booster Mom action." She's thinking, "Finally, someone to clean out my gutters." We all know where this bit of contrivance will lead, even if we hadn't seen the trailer fourteen times this week. Oh, and Dim exits the stage by doing the backwards moonwalk and flailing his arms like he's falling out of a building. Now, if that's not sexy, I don't know what is. Yawn. When did Dim become something other than our own little inside joke?

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One Tree Hill

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