Orange Is the New Black
Tit Punch

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Angel Cohn: A | 52 USERS: A
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A very Red-centric episode, which is fitting since when we pick up she's still refusing to serve Piper food. Before Red wound up serving inmates in this fine establishment she was working in a restaurant that she shared with her husband, and the clientele seemed to be largely fellow immigrants but those of the rich/mobbed-up variety. So her adorable husband encouraged her to befriend these ladies who lunch in order to make for good business, but these stuck-up bitches did not appreciate her sense of humor and shut her out. Once she spotted them doing their daily exercise (which looks like a cross between speed-walking and Prancercising) she confronted them. Naturally the head mean girl (or woman as the case may be) insulted her low-class sensibilities and most importantly rudely said she had a bad dye job. This caused Red to fly off the handle and punch the rich lady in the boob (giving the episode its title) and popped her implant. Then Red's sweetie pie husband (who was so understanding that it just made me want to reach into my computer screen and hug him) told her that the Mafioso husband wants 60 grand to pay for a new boob for his wife, but since they don't have that money, her hubby ends up letting some gangster thugs store what look like well-wrapped hunks of a dead body in their restaurant's freezer.

We still don't learn exactly what got Red put in jail, but likely had something to do with the bodies, or maybe her temper but we do get a ton of insight into what makes her tick including the fact that she hates being left out and insulted, and not necessarily in that order. So Piper's stupid slip of the tongue was probably one of the worst things that she could have done. Piper's apology (which she delivers while Red is getting her legs shaved ) doesn’t go over at all. And her attempt to let Red punch her and get out her aggression is also unsuccessful as Red would rather see her die of starvation. And not only does Red not provide regular meals to her, but she also has shut down the vending machines during visitors hour and shunned anyone who dares to provide food… and at this very open jail (very few bars or anything of that ilk around) it is hard to keep secrets.

Finally Piper recalls a lotion that is in her fancy line of bath products (and she really needs to quit it with telling people that her stuff is in Barneys because no one wearing a taupe jumpsuit gives a shit) and she thinks of Red's back problems. So she desperately tries to collect the necessary ingredients to make the lotion. I'm sure you won't be surprised to find out that the commissary does not have a sieve. But thanks to Nichols (who will let her use her credit to buy any non-food related items) she gets a cup and some rubber gloves. She then goes to Burset (the transgender hairstylist extraordinaire) to obtain some Shea or cocoa butter. But without any commissary cash of her own, she's almost out of luck. Thankfully Taystee (the snitch with a sweet tooth who fills Healy in on all the gossip) is there desperately trying to fix her hair since a chunk got lost during a fight over a King Cone ice cream treat. She gets Piper to give up a chunk of her blonde locks in exchange for the cocoa butter.

Then rumor starts spreading about Piper's quest for odd ingredients, and her desire for hot peppers, and Susan (aka Crazy Eyes) over hears this and sneaks Piper some jalapenos. After grossly chewing up the peppers and using some underwear as a sieve, she makes the lotion, brings it to Red and then gets her food privileges back because the lotion helped her back pain. But in the meantime, Alex (who tried to sneak Piper some cornbread which Alex defiantly chucked in the trash) gets shut out from the food line. But as an international drug dealer, she's probably a little more resourceful than Piper when it comes to bribery. Though I do give Piper a lot of credit for MacGuyvering some lotion out of prison found objects. There might be hope for her yet. Though it looks like her accepting jalapenos from Susan might have unwittingly landed her a new lesbian lover.

In other prison news: Diaz tries to bond with her mother and get some new less orange clothing, but her charming mother calls her fat and sends her on her way. She also flirts with cute-as-a-button prison guard Bennett, who sneakily slips her some gum; Red's freezer breaks down and it seems like maybe she sabotaged it and possibly killed a cat in the process? It's a little unclear, but her bathroom-issued threat to Healy was clear -- either give her the new freezer or she'll hand over the kitchen keys to someone else; Also, If you are locked up, Good Luck Chuck is the funniest movie of all time.

During Piper's orientation, we see that Mendez is an even bigger dick than we initially thought (his leering and attitude towards Piper throughout this episode gave me the chills) and briefly meet Natalie, the executive assistant to the warden who says she's there to specially deal with women's issues, but who promptly ignores Diaz's question. At the orientation, Alex saves Piper a seat, but Piper would rather sit in a broken chair wobbling through what looks like hours of meaningless instruction than be within touching distance of Alex. Orientation must happen more infrequently than I'd initially thought, as Alex and some of the other's look much more settled in with official bunk assignments and uniforms, while Piper and Diaz are still in orange and bunking in the larger cells. Also - the orientation video is the best in-show video that I've seen since Dr. Pierre Chang in Lost. That woman with the giant hair is a sight to behold.

Piper's self-inflicted starvation stint, leads us to Larry flashbacks, where we see that he got persuaded to do that awful Master Cleanse fad with her and drink nothing but cayenne pepper infused lemonade for a week. He stuck with it and was amazed by the results, but she totally caved a few days in. In present day, he visits her in jail, sees that she's starving and tries to help, forgetting that prison isn't exactly supposed to be fun. So he's surprised that he's only given a few minutes of visitation and that she's not being provided with ample food. He tries help, but honestly, she's less concerned about food and what is happening in his out-of-prison life, than she is about the possibility that he's watching Mad Men without her. She makes him promise to wait for her to get their Don Draper fix together, but later we see him caving into temptation. We don't blame him, there are spoilers everywhere in this social media world and while she's cut off, he so shouldn't be… particularly since we saw her cheat on the Master Cleanse , so she'd probably watch without him if the roles were reversed.

Orange Is the New Black

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