The big scandal of the week is that someone took a picture of their bare ladybits and somehow that photo got put up on a classy site called Prison Poon and was identified as coming from Litchfield. Even the tile floor matches the ones in the Litchfield bathrooms. The guards claim that when the cells were tossed during the screwdriver incident that they would have found a stray cell phone, but Natalie threatens Caputo to get a handle on this, so he interviews all of the guards thinking they have to be responsible. Mendez sees them doing bag checks, and runs back to his car to dump what looks like a drug supply. (And later Tricia asks about getting her order.) Bennett looks terrified at the mention of anything inappropriate after his dealings with mother and daughter Diaz, and we meet adorable guard Susan who flirts with Caputo in a way that makes me very uncomfortable. It's also worth noting that Susan looked familiar, and that's because she's played by Lauren Lapkus, who was on Are You There, Chelsea?. Seems that both she and Laura Prepon have majorly upgraded from that shit-show by getting cast on this series.
While Caputo is on the case of the camera phone, Healy is tired of dealing with all the drama in the prison. Namely everyone wants something from him, be it control of the TV (Taystee is tired of watching Toddlers & Tiaras) or to look at a rash (Crazy Eyes has one in a strange spot) or to talk about their diets (O'Neill has gone from the 4-Hour Body to soft foods). After a near prison riot breaks out because of animal documentaries taking precedence over cooking shows and a scrabble game between Morello and Boo nearly comes to blows, Healy opts to reinstate the Women's Advisory Council (the WAC) in effort to keep the peace. The process is simple: each group gets a representative and they take their demands to Healy, then Healy passes them on to the powers that be. Piper looks aghast when she sees how racially divided the process is and even more horrified when Healy invites her into his office where she sees the wanted "poon" pic that has been Photoshopped in a disturbing way, and he has her help pick out a dress for his wife's birthday and begs her to head up the White group.
There is a heated war between a couple of Mommy Diaz's minions to be in charge the Latino faction, and Taystee and Burset are vying for control of the African-Americans, while Chang seems to be unenthusiastically (and maybe even unawarely) running unopposed for the "Others/Golden Girls." Super racist Morello has the Red stamp of approval, much to Nichols' dismay, and she's up against Tucky, since Piper demurred from what is sure to be a nightmare. After poster-making and some interesting campaign speeches, as well as a rap battle and what is almost a group orgy/masturbating session between Boo and Crazy Eyes, the voting commences. Caputo reads off the results to Healy, while telling the counselor that he's nuts for thinking that this will keep people in check, but Healy responds that by letting the inmates think they have a say, he's given them the illusion of control. Not sure how that's going to go when he ignores the votes (including the write-in ones for "Fuck You" and "Jesus"), and picks his own "union" reps. He selects Maria Ruiz, Taystee, Chang and Chapman as the WAC members, and to say that doesn't go over well with anyone (Piper included) is quite the understatement. Fully expecting all hell to break loose next episode.
For her part, Piper is more concerned with apologizing to Polly (who isn't taking her calls), coping with her mother who wants to blame Alex for Piper's wrongdoing (even though Piper plainly tells her "being in here is no one's fault but my own") and also maybe making it so Alex doesn't hate her guts. Nichols tells her to just be grateful that her mom visits her at all. Nichols also tells her just to be a straight-shooter with Alex and own up to her jerkiness since Alex doesn't like BS. Look at Nichols; she's like a magical prison guidance counselor to Piper. And the Polly thing works itself out, as Polly just eventually caves and picks up her call, and the two have a weird-off conversation about the strange things happening to them. Polly wins: "I have an asshole alien growing inside of me." And Polly says they can talk, but not about business. Perhaps we'll stop hearing about goddamn Barneys now.
We see via flashback that Polly and Alex have never gotten along, which is the reason that Polly calls Piper's ex "super cunt" in present day. Once at a party (where Alex looked freaking amazing, by the way), she forgot Polly's name and acted holier than thou. Polly also called Piper out on being with Alex because she was older and liked the rich life. Meanwhile, in a backroom, Alex is dealing with her boss -- or at least her boss's lackey -- who want more output from her. Back in the main room of the party, Piper is deliriously informing her BFF: "I came seven times last night." To which Polly dryly responds: "Well that's just excessive." This episode might have bumped Polly up a few levels, because she had some amazing one-liners and was responsible for the conversation about how Piper's mom used to call her vagina a tutu when she was little.
Piper awkwardly tries to talk to Alex, while Alex and Nichols are having the most adorably flirty conversation of all time (my little 'shipping self was thrilled), and she chickens out... not like going to chase a chicken, just running away. But when everyone is listening to the campaign promises, she sneaks out and in her journey goes to Alex's cell and sniffs her pillow. Yeah, Larry's plan really backfired here.
Speaking of Larry, he's pitched his article about edging to his editor, who thinks it sucks. But the editor would like to see a story about being married (or engaged) to a woman who is in prison. Larry says yes, but Piper freaks out about how public that will make her ordeal (mind you this whole series was based on a book that the real-life Piper wrote after her jail stint) and tells him she needs time to think about it. So much for all that concern about how Larry will afford their very lovely apartment in her absence. But during her conversation, she overhears the crazy woman who normally occupies the bathroom stall with a door, great a man named El Diablo. Piper, who snuck into the stall when this lady went to the WAC elections and found a cellphone, puts together that this woman has been on the phone and not talking to herself the whole time like everyone thought. She's also the one sending crotch shots to her boyfriend. It's amazing what kind of reception she gets from behind bars and inside a bathroom when I can't even get a signal on the street half the time. Larry makes a desperate bid to his future bride, "If you know where a phone is, can you send me pictures of your tutu?" Piper dismisses his plea quickly. Poor Larry.
We get a quick snippet of a Nichols backstory, which isn't nearly enough if you ask me. She was a junkie, hooked on drugs to the point where she had Endocarditis and emergency heart surgery. Her mom showed up, but we see that her mother is also wealthy and not interested in caring for her daughter at all. She only went to the hospital because they told her that her kid was going to die. Seems that Nichols was raised by a nanny in a separate apartment because her mom's husband wasn't a fan of children. At some point post-surgery, she wound up in prison suffering through some severe withdrawals and Red took her under her wing. This is how they developed their mother/daughter bond, and the reason why Nichols is jealous when Red throws her support to Morello. "I thought I was your Spock," she complains. Red counters that Morello is pretty and accessible, when Nichols is too sassy for her own good. The Nichols/Red bonding is interrupted by Mendez, who throws food around the freshly cleaned kitchen and opens up cereal boxes to expose the electric toothbrushes Red's been smuggling in. Perhaps this is what she's offering the ladies to protect her precious cucumbers? Mendez wants to know if Red has the phone, and skeevily asks if she's been sending dirty texts to her husband: "Does the curtain match the drapes? You got some purple wispy's down there?" Ever the classy one. He's just worried that this phone nonsense is cutting into his business.
In less disgusting news, it turns out though that Bennett didn't pick up Mendez's grossness. He claims that while he saw Mother Diaz in all her naked glory, he didn't fuck her. And Daya is beyond thrilled at that news (she did slap her momma for her "stunt") so much so that she rewards him with a blow job. When she takes down his pants, she sees that he's sporting a prosthetic leg, and she just kisses it instead of making a big deal and gets on with what she was doing. They later have a conversation about comic-book art and his leg, which is uncomfortable, but ends OK so I guess I'm back to liking this weirdly adorable couple. And while they are chatting, Diaz's mother is visiting with her boyfriend -- and I'm guessing her mother -- and getting pissed as hell that these relatives want to know how Daya is and see her as well. One-stop shopping, in my book. And finally, she gets called out for being a heinous mother.
And while this episode was filled with so much drama, there were just so many fantastic things: Taystee telling Tucky, "This ain't the fuckin Help, bitch, but you will eat my shit."; Poussey explaining angrily to Taystee her name is not pronounced pussy, and how that is better than being named after a snack food, "You callin' me a Ho-Ho?"; Alex delighting in Morello's thoughts on Latinos, "Can we get back to Lorna being racist? More of that please."; Taystee and Poussey doing their impressions of WASPy white people; the chanting chorus of ladies clambering for "trouser meat"; Flaca explaining her bizarre theory on the bone density of black people, "Did you know they can't float?"; Alex asking Nichols if she had a baboon heart; and the random announcement that all maple syrup is now considered contraband. Why didn't we get more on that story.
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