MONDO EXTRAS

9:39 - I looked away for a second, and Jessica Biel just came out on stage, said some nice things about technology, and left. What just happened?

OK, Zach's brain has turned to mush, so Mindy's going to take over for a while...

9:40 It's a Pineapple Express sketch, starring James Franco and Seth Rogen! About pirated DVDs! That we shouldn't buy! Yay? It's a cautionary tale, I suppose. You never know what you're going to get on Canal Street. I love these two guys, but as usual for Academy Awards comedy sketches, this is really pointless.

9:46: Now James Franco, Seth Rogen and some other cinematography guy are presenting Best Short Film. Aww, it's nice they still include that category in the live broadcast. It's like this is actually about films or something! Haha! Franco can't pronounce the Scandinavian-sounding winner. Anyway, congratulations, Scandinavian-sounding winner! Oh wow, he grew up in East Germany, apparently. I was way off.

9:50 -- Coming up -- "a once-in-a-lifetime live performance," which is probably anything but. But at least we'll get to gawk at Zanessa I bet!

9:51 -- Ooh la la, a Castle promo -- Nathan Fillion doing the tango with that 24 bad ass! EXCITING!

9:52 -- Ohh, it's time for the "a once-in-a-lifetime live performance," which is just Hugh Jackman and Beyonce doing a crapload of musical theater and disco karaoke. I would make fun of it, but if anyone can do musical theater and disco karaoke, it's these two. Oh lordy, I take it all back, because now Zanessa is here doing Etta James, interspliced with West Side Story and now Beyonce is doing Evita and there's like a military drumline WHAT IS HAPPENING?! The musical is back! Everyone take a bow!

9:58 -- Coming up? "One of the biggest action stars of 2008." Let's hope it's The Statham. But I bet it's not.

10:00 -- Holy hell, I hated that Bertolli opera commercial during the SAGs, and I extra hate it now.

10:02 -- We're back! Hey, are they giving out awards on this show ever? There's a montage of acceptance speeches happening, but none of them are Roberto Benigni, so I'm having trouble being entertained. That was so much sarcasm. You have no idea how much.