MONDO EXTRAS

10:03 -- Wow, Christopher Walken won an Oscar for The Deer Hunter? I'm surprised for some reason. I totally didn't know that. Anyway, Walken, Joel Grey, Alan Arkin, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Kevin Kline and possibly someone else are on the stage now, talking about how kickass supporting actors are. Hee, Joel Grey is adorable. They are presenting the nominees, I think, but it's all so self-important and besides Heath Ledger's going to win so I can't even understand why they're bothering acknowledging the other nominees anyway.

10:08 -- Heath Ledger won -- shock! Oh no, his parents and sister are accepting. I'm already crying. I can't believe how flippant I just was about this whole thing! Except I can, because, you know. Anyway, this is really sad. Get ready. Adrian Brody looks quite moved. As does Melissa Leo, except I actually mean it -- she seems to be crying. Have they ever worked together? I don't believe so. Wow, now Anne Hathaway and Angelina are crying! This is sad.

10:11 -- Dry your tears -- it's a Werner Herzog clip package! He is speaking of Encounters at the End of the World, and someone named Scott Hamilton Something is speaking, and I'm sure he did a fantastic job working on the film, but I can't get over how he had to add something to the end of his name so he wouldn't get in trouble with a figure skater.

10:13 -- Bill Maher is on stage now, lamenting having to follow the Heath Ledger sadness and touting the merits of documentaries and complaining about people who believe in god, because that's appropriate. Anyway, the point is we should all see more documentaries. Let's make a day of it! Man on Wire won, which is no surprise. That movie kind of makes me want to vomit though. As Neely O'Hara would say, "It's my nerves!"

10:16 -- Wow, the Man on Wire tightrope walker just balanced his Oscar on his chin like a damn seal. He's more talented than I thought.

10:17 -- Apparently there is a second documentary category, but I've never heard of any of these, so whatever but good for them. I'm sure all these amazing films would change my life if I sat down to watch them, but I'm so never doing that. Anyway, the winner has a lovely red dress on. Yay for her and her lovely red dress and Oscar win. She is brief and we've been promised Will Smith after the commercial! How'd we get so lucky?!

10:22 -- Haha, this Jimmy Kimmel promo with Tom Cruise made me laugh. Fire! Cats! Delightful.

10:23 -- Action montage! This is so exciting! Except remember how The Dark Knight wasn't nominated because it's apparently low-brow? Go to hell, Oscar action movie montage. It did contain The Statham though, so I guess I should just quit my bitching and enjoy the ridiculous Indiana Jones jungle are-you-kidding-me-with-this-George-Lucas? car chase.

10:25 -- I've been asked to welcome Will Smith, so I suppose I'll oblige. He loves action movies. Stars -- they're just like us! He's talking about how sometimes action movies don't get the respect they deserve and I'm like REMEMBER THE DARK KNIGHT, YOU PRETENTIOUS BASTARDS? Anyway, it's a Visual Effects Oscar, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button won, and while I hated that movie I must admit the effects were very impressive. I wish I could make an old man baby for a living. My life is such a farce.

10:28 -- And now for Outstanding Sound Editing. These people are exceptional artists and technicians and everything, but, you know, who gives a crap about sound editing? Hey, The Dark Knight won something. I guess I'm supposed to be grateful.

10:30 -- And also Sound Mixing gets an award during the broadcast. Great. Slumdog Millionaire won, but how do you really judge sound mixing? I don't even really know what it is. I bet this is a huge complaint amongst the sound mixer community. I bet they really get fired up about it, how laymen don't understand their art. That's sad too. The Oscars are bumming me out.

10:33 -- Christ, Will Smith is still on with these nobody-cares-about categories. He's the biggest star in the world, how did he not get to present a real category? I know the previous winner usually presents those, but jeebus. He's Will effing Smith! Anyway, Film Editing is up now, and you don't care who wins. This is bathroom break central. Slumdog Millionaire won. I know, try and contain yourself. What a thing everyone cares about!