MONDO EXTRAS

I'm not even crying, and all I want to do is cry at this! It's literally the only thing I wanted to do all year! This is so wrong. I'm fuming here. RIP Ricardo Montalban, my love. You deserved a proper "In Memoriam" montage. I hope all these people haunt whoever's decision this was. Because ghosts are real; I saw it on Paranormal State.

11:15 -- Now that the best part of the Oscars has been sufficiently ruined, it's time for commercials. Because there's nothing like being brutally raped by Queen Latifah and then relentlessly slapped with MasterCard commercials. Whoa, now Heidi Klum is selling me Diet Coke? WTF, Bravo? If we were in bed with Diet Coke I'd at least appreciate some free cases in the kitchen so I can die a slow, slow death a little earlier than previously expected.

11:18 -- Hugh is back, sparing us from a speech by the guy replacing the head of the Academy. Nice and merciful. Now for Reese Witherspoon!

11:19 -- Ack, she looks terrible. Anyway, she's one of those actresses whose career has become a mess of rom-coms and crappy, contrived disasters, but I still like her so that's all I'm going to say. She's talking about directors. They are very important when one is making a film, apparently. Ron Howard is cute as a Benjamin button, but he ain't winning because Danny Boyle won. More shocks. Where was the Academy during 28 Days Later is all I have to say. Who does a girl have to vomit blood on to get Danny Boyle an Oscar, you guys?

11:24 -- A montage of famous Best Actress speeches. It's ladies' night or something! Oh dear god, Elizabeth Taylor! Remember her? Marriage? Noooooooo! Love her.

11:26 -- These are some hot bitches on stage -- Shirley MacLaine, Marion Cotillard, Sophia Loren, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman. Anne Hathaway is SUPER PSYCHED! I'm with her. Also because Rachel Getting Married made me cry like three baby girls. Shirley MacLaine is praising her like nobody's business, and I'm just thinking if I were a young actress I would effing lose it if that happened to me. She's keeping it together surprisingly well. Each previous Best Actress winner is explaining in detail how awesome the other nominees were, but it's just not having the same impact as the Shirley MacLaine-Anne Hathaway bidness. The great Meryl is blowing me away though, just by sitting there.