Oz

So Long, And Thanks For All The Dick

By Aaron | Aired on 02.22.2003

Exeunt Omnes - This is the end, my felonious friends. This is the end. And with that being the case, I find myself for the first time faced with the task of administering last rites to a show that's been on TV...

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6-8 Recap	So Long, And Thanks For All The Dick Exeunt Omnes - Goodnight moon. Goodnight spoon. Goodnight neck-string. Goodnight prag flings. Farewell, valiant prisoners of Oz. 'Tis a far far better place you go to now.	02.22.2003	B-	Aaron
Ep.	Title	Air/Pub'l	Grade	Author
6-7 Recap	The Pest Savant at the End of the Universe Junkyard Dawgs - Whether it's Leo winning a lifetime achievement award, or the dumbest man in Oz mathematically proving that a lack of light will one day destroy the entire universe, this penultimate episode serves up all sorts of tiny treats. There's also pot brownies, drag queens, and the unforgettable image of Keller French-kissing Vern Schillinger. What's not to like?	02.15.2003 02.22.2003	B-	Aaron
6-6 Recap	Baldness <> Death A Day In The Death… - Flouting established HBO conventions at every turn, this episode proves that sandwiches really do bring families closer together, and that a freshly shorn scalp doesn't always mean instantaneous death. What's next -- an episode where nobody swears?	02.08.2003 02.15.2003	B-	Aaron
6-5 Recap	Stool Pigeon 4 Giveness - Keller's a rat, Cyril's incontinent, Beecher's back in Oz, and Patti isn't dead yet.	02.01.2003 02.08.2003	B-	Aaron
6-4 Recap	Super Hole A Failure To Communicate - While everyone else was watching the Super Bowl, Beecher was busy throwing a judicial block to spring Keller from death row. Meanwhile, Governor Y.A. Little complains about the murder rate in Oz, the Muslims are forced to trot out their back-up quarterback, Robson helps Cutler improve his hang time after enduring one too many roughing the kicker penalties, Crackhead Cosby suffers a mutiny when he calls in the wrong play, Alvarez suffers the heartbreak of seeing his girlfriend sign a free-agent contract with a rival team, and I'm forced to mentally deploy Tampa Bay's ferocious "cover two" defense against the prospect of a naked Rebadow reading aloud to an equally naked and also cancerous Patti LuPone.	01.25.2003 02.01.2003	B	Aaron
6-3 Recap	Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, he is free at last! Sonata de Oz - On the eve of Martin Luther King day, Tobias Beecher finally walks free out of Oz and promptly celebrates by putting on the ugliest sweater since before Cosby was a crackhead. And then a black civil rights leader gets assassinated. Someone in the HBO scheduling department has a really sick sense of humor.	01.18.2003 01.25.2003	B-	Aaron
6-2 Recap	There is no spoon. See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Smell No Evil - Just keep telling yourself that. Over and over and over again.	01.11.2003 01.18.2003	B-	Aaron
6-1 Recap	Do you shiv or swallow? Dead Man Talking - There comes a time in every prag's life when he must choke down his fears, suck up to his boss, and provide that one special service that will earn his freedom. This is that time for Cindy Brady.	01.04.2003 01.11.2003	B-	Aaron
5-8 Recap	Limp Bizkit Impotence - We laughed. We cried. It was better then Cats. It was, too, so just shut up, Betty Buckley.	02.23.2002 02.25.2002	B-	Chuck
5-7 Recap	Ghetto Fabulous Good Intentions - In which our plucky band of criminals learns that, if you're a vituperative white supremacist with receding gums, you should never, ever make fun of a dentist.	02.16.2002 02.22.2002	C+	Chuck
5-6 Recap	Song, Song...Ewww Variety - In this week's Very Special Episode, Beecher sings and Schillinger dances. Father Mukada endures his very own disco inferno. Said returns to the human race. Half the cast relocates to Benchley Memorial. And, bless his little heart, Timmy Kirk finally gives head.	02.09.2002 02.12.2002	B-	Chuck
5-5 Recap	Misfortune Wheel Of Fortune - Says it all. In a word.	02.02.2002 02.05.2002	N/A	Chuck
5-4 Recap	Dog Doo Next Stop: Valhalla - The inmates train seeing-eye dogs. Perhaps they should try giving the dogs to the staff.	01.26.2002 01.29.2002	D+	Chuck
5-3 Recap	Life is but a ream Dream A Little Dream Of Me - Hey, it's Oz. Where everybody gets fucked. Except Beecher. And he's the only one who really wants it.	01.19.2002 01.24.2002	B-	Chuck
5-2 Recap	Men Behaving Badly Laws Of Gravity - During which no one does anything that's remotely out of character.	01.12.2002 01.15.2002	C+	Chuck
5-1 Recap	The Naked and the Dead Visitation - So many subplots, so little of interest. Oodles of manflesh, suffering womanfolk, and all the usual labyrinthine, headache-inducing twists and turns.	01.05.2002 01.11.2002	C-	Chuck
4-16 Recap	Clayton Hears A Who Famous Last Words - A tale of the show called Oz That, at best, covered all known faux pas I'm paid to recap it But instead formed the habit Of drinking wine quickly through straws.	02.24.2001 03.02.2001	C-	Megyn
4-15 Recap	Poet's dead society Even The Score - They kill Tug real good in this one. Elsewhere, Beecher gets permission to be paroled. I form a large bruise from slapping my forehead. It's good clean fun for the whole family.	02.17.2001 02.24.2001	C-	Megyn
4-14 Recap	Ryan's Hope Orpheus Descending - Turns out Arif saw Ryan greasing Keenan, but only just now told anyone. Uh-huh. Now he wants Ryan sent to death row. That story is as believable as the one I gave my boss when I was late three days in a row.	02.10.2001 02.17.2001	C-	Megyn
4-13 Recap	War...what is it good for? Blizzard Of '01 - This is the question Hill raises as he fights for a better tomorrow. Burr thinks tomorrow is just fine as it is, and the boys all get restless as they get ready to rumble like it's 1999.	02.03.2001 02.11.2001	B-	Megyn
4-12 Recap	Do you like gladiator movies? Cuts Like A Knife - With those good looks, Ryan doesn't necessarily need to sing well. It's not that he's that bad, mind you; it's just that he sounds like he's wheezing it out, but hey, it sure is real sweet. Poor Alvarez doesn't get any love, from friends or foes. He returns to solitary and asks Mr. Hanky, the listless poo, what to do.	01.27.2001 02.04.2001	B	Megyn
4-11 Recap	West Suck Story Revenge Is Sweet - Keller, starring in his own version of Splendor In The Ass which, quite frankly, I did NOT need to see, is just one of the many things that made my head hurt during this episode, which seems to have sprung from the mad pen of some daytime TV writer that has taken the Oz writing staff and done something horrible with them. Like make them watch it. On the plus side, the Foley artists do quite a job. On the job. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.	01.20.2001 01.27.2001	F	Megyn
4-10 Recap	There once was a healer from Nantucket Conversions - Join me as I jab various household appliances into my eye, in the hopes of piercing my brain. Also, I yell and swear a lot whenever Dr. Nathan sells out, or McManus grosses me out. Which is a lot.	01.13.2001 01.22.2001	B-	Megyn
4-9 Recap	Return of the Jab-eye Medium Rare - It’s the first of the second half of the fourth Oz season (whew!) and we’re delighted by the fact that Claire still has her bangs, as well as the hots for Ryan. Who doesn’t? Elsewhere, we learn that Ally Sheedy has managed to maintain a career outside of St. Elmo’s.	01.06.2001 01.15.2001	B+	Megyn
4-8 Recap	In The Claire You Bet Your Life - And he really is. Front, back, top, bottom, feathered bangs and all. Elsewhere, some other high-drama stuff tries to inflict itself on my unsuspecting cornea, but my attention only wavers back to thoughts of Ryan O'Reily and Claire. Then I black out, waking to find the season finale'd, right before my once-virgin eyes.	08.29.2000 08.30.2000	D	Djb
4-7 Recap	Shock The Ducky A Town Without Pity - Stanislofsky prepares to meet his end, but not before one last bath with his rubber friend. The death row two continue to be Shirley lacking in story lines, and Querns gets that not-so-fresh feeling when his flowing locks continue to stain the back of his sports jackets.	08.22.2000 08.26.2000	D	Megyn
4-6 Recap	Yawn. Look, Another Penis. A Word To The Wise - Full-frontal goes full-tilt this week as Keller twice stares us down unblinkingly with one eye while we try not to stare back. With Ryan, we don't even pretend we're not looking. And that's okay.	08.15.2000 08.17.2000	D	Djb
4-5 Recap	Once, Twice, Three Times As Shady Gray Matter - McManus has his hang-ups, but hey! He's still employed. Schillinger shows his soft underbelly...or does he? Come to think of it, I don't really want to see his belly. Poor Beecher is just stumped.	08.08.2000 08.15.2000	D	Megyn
4-4 Recap	The Love Pope Works Of Mercy - Captain Stubing takes his patented brand of hijinks to Em City, but when he surfaces in this millennium, the vibes are more god-lovin' then good-lovin'. Special appearances by Lionel Richie and McGruff the Crime Fighting Dog. Good thing McManus returns to Oz just in time to fill out this law-enforcing, singing-and-dancing trio.	08.01.2000 08.02.2000	D	Djb
4-3 Recap	The Bill Of Wrongs The Bill Of Wrongs - Irony doesn't actually have to, you know, fall on us like a sack of iron -- we get that prison is unfair.	07.25.2000 07.25.2000	D	Megyn
4-2 Recap	West Said Story Obituaries - The unmanageable stress of a job not well done takes McManus from a song-and-dance funeral straight to the back of the unemployment line. A guilt-ridden Beecher reunites Nazi Freako Schilinger with his similarly inclined son. Elsewhere, the Muslim minister decides that orange isn't his color, Dr Nathan avoids getting stung by WASPs, and Ryan O'Reily considers switching long-distance providers.	07.18.2000 07.18.2000	D	Djb
4-1 Recap	A Cock And Balls Story A Cock And Balls Story - Welcome to the fourth installment of the show that keeps on giving. Let's begin, shall we?	07.11.2000 07.11.2000	D	Megyn
3-8 Recap	Out O' Time Out O' Time - It's holiday time in Oz, which means that everyone gets into the spirit by edging ever closer to a race riot.	09.01.1999 09.04.1999	B	Kim
3-7 Recap	Secret Identities Secret Identities - Sister Pete confronts her feelings for Keller, and all of the Beecher-Keller-Schillinger-Said machinations come to a head.	08.24.1999 08.28.1999	B	Kim
3-6 Recap	Cruel And Unusual Punishments Cruel And Unusual Punishments - Ryan O'Reily's wily ways continue to wreak havoc, while Said falls out of power and into the (platonic) arms of Beecher.	08.17.1999 08.21.1999	B	Kim
3-5 Recap	U.S. Male U.S. Male - Kenny gets revenge on his wife, and Adebisi gets revenge on Kenny. Beecher's plan to get at Schillinger through his son comes to fruition.	08.10.1999 08.14.1999	A	Kim
3-4 Recap	Unnatural Disasters Unnatural Disasters - Ryan continues to fix the boxing matches to his own advantage, and Beecher befriends Schillinger's son.	08.03.1999 08.07.1999	A	Kim
3-3 Recap	Legs Legs - Beecher finds Schillinger's weakness, Ryan creates weakness in Cyril's boxing opponents, and Adebisi shows that his weakness was just a charade.	07.27.1999 07.31.1999	B+	Kim
3-2 Recap	Napoleon's Boney Parts Napoleon's Boney Parts - In the third season of Oz, McManus gets the bright idea to start a boxing program, and Adebisi gets revenge with the help of a syringe.	07.20.1999 07.24.1999	B	Kim
3-1 Recap	Meeeooow! (Fffft!) The Truth And Nothing But… - Beecher puts cats around the world to shame as he scratches and slices Metzger into oblivion. Ryan plots revenge on Schillinger but fails, Keller tries to prove his love to Beecher, and McManus finally wises up. Oh, and some of Hill's monologues didn't suck, meaning the Couch Baron goes out on a high note.	07.13.1999 07.17.1999	B	Couch Baron
2-8 Recap	See No Evil Escape From Oz - If that's your goal, you shouldn't watch the episode, because it's not that good, and also, it's gross. Alvarez blinds Rivera, Schillinger crucifies Sippel, and Keller and Schillinger break Beecher's arms and legs. Also, Ryan confesses that he had Cyril murder Preston, and we might be rid of Hill forever. Yeah, like I'd be that lucky.	08.30.1998 09.03.1998	C+	Couch Baron
2-7 Recap	Is That A Bestiality Reference? Animal Farm - Because there's very little that's Orwellian about the episode. Shirley rejects Adebisi, who starts seeing visions. Beecher's downward spiral continues. Cyril, fittingly enough, gets to know Schillinger in a very special way. Nappa comes to Oz, followed by Poet's non-triumphant return. Thank God it was too late to hear his verse.	08.23.1998 08.27.1998	B-	Couch Baron
2-6 Recap	You Never Forget Your First Time Strange Bedfellows - Peter Schibetta certainly won't, as Adebisi sticks it to him but good. Ryan dumps his wife, Alvarez's stock plummets, and Beecher and Keller move from real wrestling to lip wrestling. Wipe the drool off your chin.	08.16.1998 08.20.1998	B+	Couch Baron
2-5 Recap	Wrestlemania Family Bizness - McManus and Devlin wrestle, metaphorically. Ryan wrestles with insanity, also metaphorically. Keller and Beecher, on the other hand, wrestle quite literally, and y'all might want to pick your tongues up off the floor -- that's a shag carpet, after all.	08.09.1998 08.13.1998	A+	Couch Baron
2-4 Recap	It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Chris-Mas Losing Your Appeal - Keller shows up and befriends Beecher, but it turns out Schillinger has him in his pocket. Meanwhile, Hill loses his case. Like anyone ever gets out of this place alive.	08.02.1998 08.06.1998	B	Couch Baron
2-3 Recap	No More Mr. Nice Guy Great Men - Schillinger gets out of the hole, and if I were Beecher, I'd watch my back, my ass, and anything else I valued. Shirley Bellinger comes to Oz, and I scarf a vodka tonic and do a little dance in tribute.	07.26.1998 07.30.1998	B+	Couch Baron
2-2 Recap	Nice plan, brain trust. Ancient Tribes - Although it would be perfectly reasonable to assume that I'm addressing McManus, I'm actually talking to Beecher, who sets Schillinger up and ruins his chances at parole. I'm sure he won't pay any sort of price for that, aren't you?	07.19.1998 07.23.1998	B+	Couch Baron
2-1 Recap	Aw, Tom, It's Not Even My Birthday! The Tip - McManus is shot! Ross is dead! This is the best episode ever!	07.12.1998 07.16.1998	B	Couch Baron
1-8 Recap	King Me, Asshole! A Game Of Checkers - A riot breaks out when a game of checkers turns violent. Hey, this is Oz. It's also a killer ending to a great season.	08.24.1997 08.28.1997	A	Couch Baron
1-7 Recap	Blood And Guts Plan B - This episode's all about bodily secretions, and not even the fun ones. Saddle up, and bring a barf bag.	08.17.1997 08.21.1997	B+	Couch Baron
1-6 Recap	Pass The Pepto, Please To Your Health - To Schibetta, after Ryan and Adebisi put glass in his food. To Hill, for finding out that his idol can't act. And finally, to the Couch Baron, for having to recap the first subpar episode of the season.	08.10.1997 08.14.1997	B-	Couch Baron
1-5 Recap	Don't Worry, The Title's Ironic Straight Life - More so in the drug sense, as despite a crackdown, Beecher, Alvarez, and O'Reily get higher than a pole vaulter on Mars. But there's the other, better sense too, as Beecher fondles O'Reily's chest, and Alvarez turns up the sexual tension in a scene with Groves. Just imagine if he did that with O'Reily. Mrow!	08.03.1997 08.07.1997	B+	Couch Baron
1-4 Recap	Depression On A DVD, Part Two Capital P - All the plotlines set up last episode come to their conclusions. Alvarez's baby dies, and so do Keane and a serial killer named L'Italien. Said demonstrates his first signs of hypertension. And to bottom things off (so to speak), we have to watch a McManus sex scene. Does TWoP's health insurance cover television-necessitated therapy?	07.27.1997 08.01.1997	A+	Couch Baron
1-3 Recap	Depression On A DVD, Part One God's Chillin' - We get some groundwork for some plotlines that you know are going to end in tragedy. Maritza gives birth to Alvarez's baby, but the kid has a bad liver, and they think he's going to die. Meanwhile, Keane finds Islam, but is set up by the hacks and basically forced to commit murder. At least there are a couple good Ryan scenes, or I'd be doing an Alvarez myself.	07.20.1997 07.24.1997	A	Couch Baron
1-2 Recap	A World Of Hurt Visits, Conjugal And Otherwise - And it's not just because I wrote this recap while experiencing such severe stomach pains that I thought I had appendicitis. This episode is definitely depressing: Schibetta's wife dies, Beecher has to forget all about his family, and we learn how Hill ended up in the wheelchair. But Adebisi saying "I do" somehow makes it all worthwhile.	07.13.1997 07.17.1997	B+	Couch Baron
1-1 Recap	We're Off To See The Wizard The Routine - And he curses and gets naked a lot more than I remembered. Join the Couch Baron as he goes back to the very first episode of Oz. Schillinger's in Em City! Ryan's in Gen Pop! Adebisi's got a big hat! It's cockeyed, people! Get it? "Cock"-eyed?	07.11.1997 07.15.1997	A+	Couch Baron