4 Giveness

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 1 USERS: A-
Stool Pigeon

Sister Pete's office. A clever shot reveals the depths of Keller's depression now that Tobias is free as we pan down from Pete filing some papers to see Keller banging his head on her desk. "I'm bored," he moans. "Bored of the everyday, bored with shaving, brushing my teeth, taking a shit, and wiping my ass." Well, I'm sure his cellmate just loves to hear that. Sister Pete suggests that he's not actually bored, but rather missing his boyfriend. Then she suggests that he try helping people. After saucily playing with the pens on her desk for awhile, Keller gets a devious smile on his face and thanks the good sister for an excellent suggestion.

And now for the moment we've all been waiting for. It's the big Keller/Beecher reunion scene, and Toby has decided to celebrate by presenting his paramour with a romantic and sexy gift of…tube socks. No, not tube steaks, you perverts, tube socks. Hey, at least it wasn't a pen, right? And I guess it does demonstrate a certain level of intimacy, albeit in a really boring, married-for-thirty-years sort of way. Keller models his sexy new footwear for us as he asks Beecher a string of pointed questions about life on the outside. First up is Beecher's kids, whom Keller wants to meet, and Toby appears more than a little uncomfortable with the notion of introducing them to the serial killer he was fucking while incarcerated. I can't possibly imagine why, although Keller's feelings do seem to be a bit hurt by the rejection. Next he asks if Toby has been drinking, and Beecher isn't any more believable than Johnson was when he claims that he hasn't touched a drop. And finally, Keller asks about the teacher Toby mentioned last week, and Beecher is forced to admit that they've been dating. And also that he slept with her, despite the fact that she's a sweet and virginal kindergarten teacher and he's a freshly released convict with a swastika tattooed on his ass. "Good for you, you sexy motherfucker," says Keller upon hearing this news. Heh. Then he pulls his chair up close to offer "a slice of honesty" of his own. He admits to killing Franklin Winthrop, but instead of being happy to have his father's murder avenged, Beecher acts like Keller just admitted to ripping a massive fart in church or something. It's pretty clear that Toby is pulling away from prison life at this point, which is precisely why Keller turns the charm up to eleven when he leans in to ask a favor. He wants Toby to pick up a critical but highly illegal anti-cancer drug from some back-alley oncologist and deliver it to his sister. Beecher refuses at first, because it would violate his parole, but Keller flashes the Manson Lamps and repeatedly insists that he loves him. Wriggling helplessly in the crushing grasp of Keller's overwhelming manly sexuality, Beecher finally gives in and agrees to make the pick-up. "You'll see, this is all for the best," says Keller. "This is all for the best." Oh, that's not ominous. No, not at all.

Cut to Keller, calling in an anonymous tip from a pay phone in the middle of an empty (and, of course, pitch-black) hallway. Oh, come on! No guards? No inmates waiting in line? No Carrot Top pitching 1-800-COLLECT? No way.

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