4 Giveness

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
Stool Pigeon

Schillinger boys: Forgiveness makes you better at math.

When we come back from the narration, it's like we're on Law & Order: Racist Victims Unit all of a sudden. Warden Leo and Lenora Briscoe are questioning the guy who created a diversion by screaming like a banshee with a spoon up its ass on the night Mayor McDaveDuke died. The inmate blames his screaming on a really bad itch, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense until Leo threatens him with capital punishment and the scene hits its punchline: "Death row? For hives?" Okay, heh. After a gratuitous flashback reminds us of how Gorge Bollocks met his untimely fate, it's Billy Clyde Tuggle's turn in the interrogation chair. He lasts about ten seconds before squealing (like a pig, of course) on the guy who hired him.

Who turns out to be a guard named Johnson. Has this guy been on the show before? Because I've never seen him. Anyway, Leo finds him in the mailroom and smarmily asks him about the brand new Jaguar Johnson just bought. Only he seems to be pronouncing it "Jag-U-R," which I'm just going to assume is an homage to this episode's equally odd alpha-numeric title. Personally, I'm just happy they didn't also include a Se7en shout-out and have somebody get raped with a razor-blade dildo. You know they totally wanted to, though. Johnson, who's clearly not too bright, lies like Ben Affleck's toupee and denies any involvement in the crime. The instant Leo leaves the room, however, he immediately dives for the nearest phone and direct dials his (as yet unnamed) evil overlord for further instructions. Yeah. Because none of the phones in a prison are monitored or anything. Moron! Then again, there's a another telephone scene later on that would seem to suggest that I'm the moron here for even expecting this show to make sense in the first place.

Jaz Hoyt. Oy. Enough already! Didn't this guy get transferred to a psych hospital, like, five episodes ago? And yet here he is, still screaming about the devil and telling Timmy Kirk's mom that her "baby boy got butt-fucked by Satan." Wow. Who knew Timmy was Saddam Hussein's little brother? Mama Kirk claims she just wanted to meet the man who killed her son so she could understand his life a little better, and I'd go on at length about how ludicrous that was if it weren't for the fact that this whole scene exists solely to set up a subplot where Mama Kirk stalks Father Mukada. And anyone who's ever read my Six Feet Under recaps knows that I have a soft spot for stalkers. Especially ones who say things like, "I prayed so hard my knees hurt," which totally makes me think there's a great priest/altar boy joke in there that I just can't seem to find. Anyway, Mama Kirk convinces Mukada to find her a job as a nurse in the hospital ward, and now I'm really starting to ponder the potential for a spin-off where Mama Kirk opens a detective agency to stalk evil criminals and get enough information so that Nurse Nasty can finish them off. Hmm. Nasty Boys, premiering this fall on Fox (with soundtrack by Janet Jackson)!

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