4 Giveness

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 1 USERS: A-
Stool Pigeon

Still more Hoyt. Sigh. He wakes up covered in blood, and then gets rushed down to the hospital, where Dr. Nathan Scullys it up with some sort of explanation involving capillaries and sweat and blah blah stigmata-cakes. Somebody wake me up when Luke Perry comes back.

Or when Cyril shows up, whichever comes first. Nurse Nasty wheels everyone's favorite hairball into the hospital ward while he's still suffering from the after-effects of his most recent ECT session. Gloria takes pity on the poor guy, mostly because he's covered in his own vomit, and orders that he be admitted for a few days to provide a nice change of scenery from death row. Cut to big brother Ryan pushing his "Prison? What Prison? I Go Where I Please" food tray into a back room in the medical area. He encounters Gloria there, and you can actually see a couple of PAs in the background cutting the sexual tension with a knife. Gloria bats her eyelashes and twirls her hair. Ryan looks deep into her eyes and taps out a few steps from Riverdance. Then they lean in for the big kiss, but to everyone's dismay, Gloria pulls away at the last second and mumbles, "I have to go." "I never stopped loving you," sighs Ryan. "Not even for a second." Aww. A single, perfect tear rolls gently down my cheek as I mourn for the fact that in spite of everything that's happened, these two are probably still the most normal couple in Oz. I feel for them, you know? That unrequited love's a real bitch, ain't it?

And so is an unrequited need to take a shit, for that matter. Cyril lies in his hospital bed, tied down with restraints and frantically trying to attract the attention of a nearby orderly. She ignores him, which prompts the arrival of a gentleman I'm just going to call SaneCyril for easy reference. SaneCyril, by the way, looks quite a bit like the result of a botched cloning experiment involving Vince Neil and the Professor from Gilligan's Island. He wanders around the suddenly freeze-framed ward, shouting at the orderlies to stop ignoring RegularCyril, and generally just being the bad-ass Scott Winters wishes his character could have been from day one. Heh. I just noticed that they're not really freeze-frames. The actors are all just trying to stand perfectly still, and one of them is really bad at it. Anyway, no one seems to care that Cyril has to go potty, and SaneCyril eventually indicates that it would be too late even if they did. Oh, God. Don't pan down! For the love of crap, DO NOT PAN DOWN! Shit. They panned down. And while Pittsburgh residents (or people who display an unhealthy obsession with forensic pathology) will be the only ones who truly appreciate my "Cyril Wecht his pants" joke, that's certainly not going to stop me from making it.

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