A Word To The Wise

Episode Report Card
Djb: D | 3 USERS: A+
Yawn. Look, Another Penis.

Adebisi escorts the young man into his pod while Said looks piously on from across the way. Adebisi turns to face the youth and offers his affectionate, candle-lit directive of the day: "Blow me." Awwwww. Young (and much, much younger) love. As the boy bends kneewards to get busy gettin' busy, Adebisi can feel Said's glare and turns back toward the door of the pod to look at him. Then he closes a makeshift curtain he has run across the glass exterior of the pod. Allah wept.

Cut to Said busting in on an increasingly ill-intentioned, sinister-voiced, mock-turtlenecked Querns and demanding, "How can you condone what Adebisi is doing?" Querns responds -- using the word "condone" three dozen times in one sentence -- in essentially telling Said to just. Step. Off. Said threatens to take this issue to the warden, but Querns sees his "I can go to the warden" threat and raises him one "I can send you to the hole" in the great Em City poker game (is it a coincidence that that word sounds so much like "pokey?" Can we get a ten-minute speech on the linguistic antecedents of these two words? I'm almost sure we can), until Said relents and storms on out. Adebisi, meanwhile, walks contrivedly past at this moment, and we see him fraternizing peacefully with other inmates while Querns looks on approvingly as if to intuitively deduce, "Wow. Quick blow job."

Back in his pod, Said attempts to initiate conversation with Arif, who ignores him quietly. Said tears a book out of his podmate's hands and demands, "You see what's going on?" Arif, in fact, does. And so Said proselytizes further, "You said you wanted to lead. Well, in the name of all that's holy [glacial, we-already-know-what-you're-going-to-say-and-you're-taking-up-entire-cycles-of-the-moon-you-could-be-using-on-riveting-Mobay-subplots- and-Hill-speeches-on-second-thought-take-your-time pause]...lead." Cut to Arif leading, taking pains to land an audience with Querns. Querns is in his office on the phone, smiling broadly and chatting jubilantly because the truly evil are easy to identify, given their propensity to laugh and smile at markedly inappropriate times. On television. Arif is finally allowed to enter, and after he bitches and moans about Querns's unwillingness to meet with the Muslims, he launches into his prepared speech. Because he's, y'know, leading: "The Muslim population constitutes eighteen percent of Oz. As their leader, I expect some sort of representation." Querns responds that he perceives the Muslim population of Oz to be "rudderless," and Arif unwisely turns the conversation to intimidation tactics in threatening, "You wait, Querns. You'll feel the full force of our power." Querns rises and moves lithely over to Arif in a way that makes me sad I blew my load of light-hearted Lionel Richie song title references way back in the recap of Episode 4. Querns threatens ominously, "You threatening me?" And then again, "You threatening me?" Then, in a stark and unadorned exhibition of prison brutality at its most egregious, Querns pokes Arif. HE POKES HIM! Right in the ribs! And do not adjust your sets, folks. That's TWO FINGERS he's using. Yes, Querns is a bad man. But his strong-arm techniques could use a little roughening up, methinks. I guess back in his much ballyhooed days on the streets, low-life thugs and other unscrupulous types would poke him around and speak the language of the mean streets with dastardly threats such as, "You can be in our gang. But first you must...WIN A THUMB WRESTLE!" What gang was he in, anyway? The Brownies?

As Arif exits Querns's office (I'm surprised the brave Muslim can even walk, so violated was he in there), his day only gets worse as his authority continues to erode. He spots a number of Muslims deep in conversation with last week's cast addition Supreme "But Hold the Tomatoes, I'm Allergic" Allah. Cut to Arif all up in the face of one of his knit-capped brethren, telling him to stay away from Supreme and, angrily, "that's an order." For the love of Allah, no more poking. I know that TV-MA label and the fact the the show airs at, like, five o'clock in the morning both happened for a reason, but I just. Can't. Take. The violence.

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