A Word To The Wise

Episode Report Card
Djb: D | 2 USERS: A+
Yawn. Look, Another Penis.

Querns sportsjackets (kind of an odd choice for an action verb, you may be saying. But if you've seen him move, you know what I mean) himself into Glynn's office. He brings Glynn up to speed on Murphy's transfer, and then continues on that many of the officers were loyal to Murphy, so he wants numerous other transfers he has detailed here on this sheet of paper. Glynn doesn't even bother to rationalize the obvious "look at that goatee. Of course you're evil" leitmotif that's leapt out of the pocket on Querns's giant lapel and perched itself on Glynn's desk for all to see, giving his resolute "done" to all of Lionel's changes. Mobay, looking as if he has snorted the universe's collective store of "things that make you die" up his nose in the last, like, ten seconds, is called in to implement the changes. Querns asks Glynn how the campaign is going, which an excellent transition into...

...the break room, where Murphy and the other two offed Em City guards decide that Glynn would be no help to them in this touchy situation, as "he's got his head up Devlin's ass" and isn't thinking about their problems. They suggest going to the union, and McManus enters the room to ask what the three are complaining about. They're upset that Querns is replacing the personnel in Em City with people of his own choosing, and, more upsetting to them, "He's choosing all black guys." But McManus somehow heard something in these three men's dire admission that sounded to him a whole lot like "but enough about our disastrous unemployment prospects, Tim. How can we make this all about you?" And so McManus tells them he can use their help in Cellblock B. Over in Glynn's office, the warden authorizes these transfers as well, and McManus asks, "Doesn't it bother you that Querns is putting together an exclusively black staff?" Glynn responds that his one order to Querns -- no more violence in Em City -- has been marvelously upheld since Lionel first said "Hello." McManus demands, "How long is that gonna last?" and storms out self-righteously before Glynn has time to sufficiently formulate the "Until you're back in charge, you bleeding-heart liberal tree-huggin' hippie" response this scene so desperately needed to end with.

Because I shower at work every day -- even though, like McManus, my work is primarily performed at a desk with a computer -- it makes total sense to me that every employee important to this week's action shows up simultaneously in a co-ed locker room somewhere deep inside the pokey. It's like Ally McBeal on lockdown. Which, come to think of it, wouldn't be the dumbest possible creative direction for that show to take at this point. Ally. Not this one. McManus is shirtless. Murphy is buttoning up. Claire enters. She reports that she has been transferred to Em City as a result of someone reporting to Glynn that Querns was filling the place up with exclusively black COs. McManus expresses shock. She muses, "Life's full of ironies." And considering that McManus spent so much concentrated energy trying to get her out of Oz, and all he succeeded in doing was getting her deeper in, I offer a moment of congratulation to the writers that this cycle of employment hijinks might actually qualify as certifiable irony. Go, show. Then Claire takes off her shirt and stands topless in front of you and me and God and everyone, for a moment that the camera holds onto for a pretty intense length of time. And then my respect for anything ever having anything to do with Claire's character disappears immediately, conclusively, and forever. Because I have nothing else to say on the matter. Because a girlish, horrified shriek of "Ack! Boobies!" doesn't really qualify as the apex of maturity in the recapping genre. Still, though. Ack. Boobies.

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