Blizzard Of '01

Episode Report Card
Megyn: B- | Grade It Now!
War...what is it good for?

I just noticed that the opening-credits music sounds like porn music.

Hill. Lying on his side while waxing idiotic about snow. It's like this: It sucks when, like, it snows, and you get your car stuck, or you step in a puddle and you're wearing your good shoes for that meeting you have to attend at work, right? But in Oz, they don't notice the weather because, well, they're in prison. And now you know. And knowing is half the battle. The other half of the battle is the blood gushing from my ear because my brain can't take all this wisdom.

Murphy trudges up the stairs to turn the lights on, 'cause it's time for those bad kiddies to wake up, greet the day they'll never see, and get to steppin' ten feet away from their pods to do a whole lotta nothing. We see Ryan awaken, and he's got drool on his face. Because HBO is keeping it real. He rubs his eyes sleepily and spies Cyril checking himself out in the mirror. He asks if he's okay, and we see that Cyril's hair is slowly returning to normal. Now, I've never been gray or anything and, having almost black hair that can't be colored in any way unless I want an adventure in rusty orange streaks, I can't say I'm an expert on the art of hair dying, but…wouldn't his hair still be gray and it would just grow back normally? Rather than, poof! Hey, look me over! I'm blond. Anyway, Ryan says "holy shit" and walks over to finger the miracle of nature, and Cyril blinks and furrows his brow while clicking and whirring. Dear Tom Fontana: That plot really sucked. Love, me. Next, we see Dr. Gloria "to the heart pill pop ya don't stop-stop" Nathan, going over the details of how nobody but poor dead Wick suffered from her diabolical drug testing with Sister Pete, thus neatly wrapping up one of the main plot lines and depositing it into the "special" receptacle labeled "conceived after numerous bong hits." Enter Murphy, who yaddas about snow and lots of it and "I'm just here to establish the premise for this show with my yadda-snow-yadda-blizzard-and-oh-yeah….javahhhhhhhhh." Then he asks about McManus, to which Gloria purrs that she stopped by to see him, he's in great spirits and should be back next week. I guess he heals the way soap-opera children age.

Flashback of Wick's head being lifted by Hoyt while sticky blood oozes from his nose and mouth. This sets the next scene, in which a lawyer-man comes a-callin' on Gloria to tell her he's been retained by the Wygert Corporation for Really Bad Ideas, and that Wick's family will be suing to the tune of twenty five million. The bad news? She's been named as a co-defendant. "I am?" an incredulous Gloria asks. He tells her to relax; he's confident the family will settle. However, and here's where the news gets super-nasty-bad, The State Medical Board of Ethics wants to review the case and decide whether there was any malpractice on her part, which means she could lose her license and have to give her stethoscope back. That really blows for Gloria. Cue the music of a fan somewhere being turned to "high" and the shit waiting to leap into it as she walks down that gray corridor -- you all know the one -- and finds herself staring into the flashbulbs of paparazzi, who have all turned up to find out why she did such a dumb thing and went and cut her hair. Oh, and they ask about the "aging pill" as she backs up, turns, and walks back up the gray corridor with her fluffy tail between her legs.

Common area. Ryan is told by a CO that he has a visitor. "Who?" "Some lady." Hey, thanks, guy. Ryan proceeds to the visiting room, the one reinforced with bullet-and-shank-proof windowed stalls and phone receivers. I don't know about you, but I've always thought I would feel really silly talking into a phone receiver while looking at the person I'm talking to. I don't know -- I'm conditioned to believe that I need the phone because the person is somewhere else. Hell, I feel stupid when my boss calls me from his office and I can hear him both in the receiver and a few feet behind me. I feel even more so when he yells, "Hey! Stupid!" Anyway, Ryan approaches the stall where Suzanne Fitzgerald, a.k.a. Betty Buckley, waits. He picks up his little bat-phone and suspiciously asks if they know each other. "Yes, but we haven't seen each other since you were a child." Ryan enlightens her to the fact that he ain't too big on nostalgia so cut to the chase. She tells him she has something to say that he "may find hard to believe" -- pause while she licks her lips like a lizard. Ryan smiles wearily as he smells that this plot is getting that "not so fresh" feeling. "Try me." And she presses the red button, which releases the bomb: "I'm your mother." Ryan's face melts away slowly as he absorbs this little factoid. "My mother's dead." She starts to explain, but Ryan screams, "My mother's DEAD!" as he bangs down the phone, startling her, and leaves. She sits in her plaid shirt, formerly worn by the Brawny Paper Towel guy, and gapes.

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