Cruel And Unusual Punishments

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Cruel And Unusual Punishments

Hill tells us that in the 1600s, a snitch or gossip had to wear an iron helmet with a front plate, covered with spikes. The spikes were placed inside the mouth, so that the criminal learned to keep his or her mouth shut. Wait, gossip is a crime? They're going to lock me up and throw away the key.

In the library, Russky talks to Yuri in Russian, yet again. Yuri suggests that they "speak American." Thank God. Yuri says that he was a teacher in Russia, as he gets a glass of water and pours it on the keypad that locks the door. Russky misses all of this because he's perusing some books. Yuri explains that he came to America with his wife to find a better life. Yuri pours water on the keypad of the only other door in the room while Russky's back is turned. Yuri couldn't get a job as a teacher, so he took a job painting the house of some dude who was high up in the Russian mafia. Russky recognizes the guy's name. Yuri explains that the Mafia guy treated Yuri terribly, calling him names, and even kicking him in front of his wife, so Yuri strangled him on the spot. As you do. Russky finally figures out that something is up, and asks whether it's closing time. Yuri wants to finish his story, but Russky wants out. Unfortunately, the doors don't work because of the wet keypads. Yuri explains that he got a reputation for being ruthless, and became a contract killer. Yuri has now murdered forty-nine people, and Russky will be his fiftieth. Russky starts yelling for the guards as Yuri removes his glasses and stabs Russky in the neck. The guards bust in and drag Yuri off.

Gloria treats Russky in the hospital ward. Yuri is thrown naked into solitary, but thankfully, we don't see his twig and berries. Ryan and Pancamo do a shot of vodka in Ryan's cell in celebration of their plan working out perfectly.

The inmates watch Miss Sally's show. Ryan thinks one of the puppets is gay. Hill and Keller get into an argument over whether a puppet can be gay. ["Dude. Dr. Teeth from the Muppets. I rest my case." -- Wing Chun] Hill thinks that you need a penis to be gay, but Keller points out that all you really need is a mouth. Interesting theory.

The Latino crew approaches Ryan. Alvarez says that Hernandez wants to see Ryan. Ryan enters Hernandez's cell. Hernandez complains that Ryan is selling drugs even though Hernandez, Adebisi, and Pancamo are supposed to control drug sales in the prison. Ryan allows that he's been selling a little, but not enough to make a difference. Hernandez doesn't care, and Ryan asks whether they've talked this over with Adebisi and Pancamo. Hernandez demands that Ryan hand over what he's got on him. Ryan pulls some drugs out of his pocket and hands them over. Alvarez frisks Ryan and finds more drugs in his sock. Hernandez tells Ryan that he can't sell anymore, and Ryan leaves. On his way out, Ryan passes Murphy, and murmurs that now would be a good time to bust Hernandez. Murphy summons some other guards over, and they rush up to Hernandez and frisk him. They find drugs, but Alvarez took off when the guards approached, so presumably he has the entire stash. Hernandez is cuffed and taken away.

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