Cut to Alvarez, sniffing his pants as they come out of the dryer. Heh. Guerra comes into the laundry room toting a shiny new boom box, and tells Miguel that he received it as a gift from Torquemada, along with a few free tabs of Destiny to enhance his music-listening pleasure. He pops a couple, and is soon dancing around like madman and stripping off almost all his clothes. I'd mock him, but anyone who's ever seen me dance (meaning anyone who was at my Bar Mitzvah and no one else ever) knows that I myself have two left feet and strange penchant for spontaneous nudity, so perhaps I should just keep my mouth shut. Alvarez grows increasingly frantic as Guerra's gyrations grow increasingly frenzied, and soon enough the music gets shut off and Guerra comes down with a massive case of that DTs. He screams and wails about the bugs coming out of his skin, and then because we haven't seen anything truly disgusting in at least sixty seconds or so, he proceeds to claw his fingernails across his neck a few times and then collapse to the floor in a bloody heap. Guerra gets rushed to the hospital ward, and then all the hacks rush to Em City for a shakedown, where they find Destiny tabs in almost every cell. Hey, how come we've never seen that one fat inmate with the mullet before? He looks like he'd be pretty funny.
You know, of all the things that annoyed me about this finale (and I assure you that my grievances were legion), the one that bothered me the most is that we never even get an explanation of why Cutler left all his crap to Alvarez. I mean, even if the writers just needed a cheap and flimsy excuse to set Miguel up for a romance with the ex-wife of a dead racist, don't you think it's incumbent upon them to at least, I don't know, tell us what that cheap and flimsy excuse might be? Anyway, Miguel and The Widow Cutler are seated in The Great Visiting Room Of Hand-Jobs And Hokey Love Scenes, gazing deeply into each other's eyes and whispering sweet nothings about drug overdoses and the tribal nature of Oz's racial politics. When they lean in for the big kiss, we see a surly-looking biker observing them in the background, so you just know this means trouble for sweet, sweet Miguel. And here comes that trouble now, as the ever-dwindling crew of Aryans pins him against a gymnasium wall to receive a stern talking-to from Schillinger. You'd think that the sight of my two favorite prisoners trading witty repartee and foreign-language profanities would be enough to excite me, but it's not until Schillinger calls The Widow Cutler a "stupid cunt who doesn't know her place" that things really start to heat up. Alvarez pops Vern right in the nose with a punch that can definitely be classified as "manly," and then turns turtle as the other Aryans start pounding on him. Hey, is that Rob Zombie?