Oy. I just realized that I've covered only one out of the twelve separate segments in this week's episode, and I'm already on page five here. Seeing as how no one wants to read a sixty-page recap (and I sure as hell don't want to write one), I think I may try to be a bit more succinct from here on out. In fact, all you need to know is that everyone dies and the prison gets closed. Thanks, everybody! It's been fun! Okay, just kidding. But Willy Shakespeare did say it himself: "Brevity is the soul of wit." ["And thou know'st we work by wit and not by witchcraft." -- Othello (Act II. Scene iii.)]
Anyway, my newfound terseness seems to have arrived at the perfect moment, because it's time to pay a visit once again to the Polident Pod. After some pre-dawn exposition about Patti's imminent return from her dual crapectomy, Rebadoze ties on his finest Sunday neck-string and sets off for the library. He finds La LuPone waiting there for him, wearing a beige peasant blouse and spouting some over-emoted drivel about how "only God can make a tree," even though mankind can still produce a pretty impressive breast-shaped sack of silicone. Any truly devoted HBO fan will join me here in making the obvious synergistic "Does this mean David Schwimmer is God?" joke. Also, I think the fact that this scene ends with the two of them holding hands and reciting poetry at each other speaks volumes about why I don't want to recap it anymore. ["Shut up. In measureless content." -- Macbeth (Act II. Scene i.)]
Patti next ventures over to solitary, intending to peek in on young Pablo in his new home. She's stopped by a guard whose unfortunate resemblance to another member of the cast has led me to tar him with the familiar sobriquet "NotJohnson The Blatantly Bribe-able CO." NotJohnson informs her that the kid isn't allowed to have any visitors, which prompts Patti to seek advice from Rebadoze on navigating the shadowy corners of Oz's black market in favors. "Pablo is just another terrified kid," she explains. "He pretends to be tough but he's not." "You're telling me!" answers Rebadoze. "In my day we had to walk ten miles through eight feet of snow just to shank another inmate." But still, he does have some suggestions about how she can resolve the situation. "How much cash do you have?" he inquires. "And what are your thoughts on anal sex?" Cut to Patti, sitting outside Pablo's cell and performing the world's worst Books On Tape rendition of Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer while NotJohnson counts his cash a few steps away. Inside the cell itself, Pablo sits strapped to his restraint chair, with little metal hooks holding his eyelids open and Beethoven's Ninth Symphony hitting a crescendo on the soundtrack. How is it that Tom Fontana feels so strongly about the death penalty that he wrote an entire episode condemning it, but he doesn't consider forced exposure to Patti's "dramatic" "reading" "voice" to be cruel and unusual punishment? And while we're at it, what about poor Penders? Not only does he get no screentime in the finale, but now he's even got someone more annoying than Omar blathering away outside his door all day.