Exeunt Omnes

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 4 USERS: A
So Long, And Thanks For All The Dick

The next day, Miguel heads to his meeting with Luis The Parole Board Guy. In case you hadn't already noticed, Luis makes it clear here that he isn't a very nice man, and that he also has some major ethnic self-hatred issues to work through. The upshot of the scene, however, is that Miguel will never get paroled. Ever. "Oh, we'll still go through the procedure," gloats Luis, "but that's just so that each time your number comes up, I can see how much you've ripened." Um, "ripened"? Whatever, Luis. Although I suppose Alvarez has been known to self-fertilize with his own manure from time to time.

It would appear that Em City's open-door housing policy is still in effect, because Torquie has just appeared in Miguel's pod to announce that they're now roomies. Because Oz is obviously one of those many maximum-security prisons with a designer outlet mall in the basement, Torquemada has decided to change his outfit once again, this time selecting a more evening-appropriate white t-shirt and teal sarong. Miguel loudly swears that there's "no way" he'll ever become Torquemada's "bitch," and the Sex-Eye manages to look sexily bemused as he pooh-poohs (get it?) the very idea. Then he drops the big bombshell: "I have a little confession," he says. "I'm a virgin. I've never had sex with man, woman, fish, or fowl." Well, that's…interesting, I guess, both because I find it hard to believe that the Sex-Eye could be a virgin, and also because he felt it necessary to clarify his remarks by adding that he's never fucked a trout. Torquie goes on to explain that he's hosted any number of orgies, but has never actually participated, because he only likes to watch. "So I don't want to fuck you," he concludes. "That would be too common. I want to be you, Miguel Alvarez." Damn, this guy is smooth. In fact, his line is so good that I'm actually getting a little turned on, despite the fact that I'm straight and very much aware that he's a fictional character. Miguel, however, is less impressed. At least for the moment. He hops out of his bunk and heads over to stare out through the pod's glass walls. "I'm tired," he sighs. "I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the walls, the lies, the fear, and the death." He thinks for a moment before continuing. "I'm so tired. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of men always coming and going, going and coming and always too soon!" HA! So there! At last, a Mel Brooks joke you people haven't beaten me to yet! Anyway, Kirk Acevedo is acting his little scar off in this scene, and he finally turns around to come face-to-face with Torquemada. "You want a party, baby?" he asks, with the tired resignation evident in his voice. "Keep those D tabs coming." He swallows a pill, and then Torquemada's painted fingernails begin to lightly caress his naked, sweaty chest as they [The remainder of this paragraph has been edited by the Television Without Pity Standards & Practices Department. Good God, man! Keep your erotic fan-fic to yourself!].

Bunker Hill. Don't fire until you see the whites of their, uh, eye! Here's a story, and it's cutting off the sex scene we all wanted to see: Prisoners in Oregon have to pay their own room and board, and are sometimes forced to commit additional crimes to cover the cost. Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Let's get back to the sex!

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