Exeunt Omnes

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 4 USERS: A
So Long, And Thanks For All The Dick

Alas, 'twas not meant to be. Although maybe we should be thankful for that, because this next scene features McManus and Sister Pete discussing the fate of Lemuel Idzik, who's been sentenced to death for murdering Omar White. From there Sister Pete heads over to death row, where she tries to have a quick psychiatric session with the ever-enigmatic Idzik himself. Lemmy's sporting a brand-new Jewish star tattoo on the back of his neck, and I can't help but wonder if that's influencing me in any way, because I actually thought to myself that Joel Grey did some excellent work in this scene. It's the script that's stupid here, not the actors. Anyway, Sister Pete presses him to divulge his reasoning for murdering Kareem Said, and Idzik finally cracks, revealing that he did it because Said once bought him coffee in Istanbul. Really. No, really. That's what he says. Apparently, Said is the one who got him started on this whole "death of the universe" kick by making a casual comment about "nightfall" as they spent a few moments together in a Turkish café. Just so you know, I really want to rewrite that last sentence to say "Turkish prison," but I can't. Damn my sturdy recapper ethics! We're treated to a ghostly, superimposed shot of Eamonn Walker as all this goes on, and I've got to say, Said deserved much better than this (incidentally, did you know that Tears of the Sun was originally set in the Amazon and intended to be Die Hard 4? They actually re-wrote the entire script just to take out all the "yippee-ki-ays." Or at least I hope they did). "Bizarre, isn't it?" wonders Idzik. "How one man's laughter can level someone else?" Oh. Well, gee. I'm sorry, Tom. I didn't realize I was hurting your feelings so badly. I'll try to be nicer in the future.

My God, that's a stupid plot twist! Our very next shot is yet another news anchor, this time announcing that Idzik's death sentence has been overturned. Unlike everyone else in the history of the show who's been found insane, Idzik doesn't get sent to a psychiatric hospital. Instead, he gets sent to McManus's office. Now THAT is cruel and unusual punishment. "I know you want to die," Timmy tells him, "and the irony is that in Em City, you probably will." Ha! Okay, I can at least find Timbo to be tolerable when he's being all meta and self-mocking like that. It's when he tries to be serious that we run into trouble. And here comes that trouble now, as McManus turns maudlin. "I've heard all about your doomsday scenarios," he says. "The sun will cool, the planets will darken, man will become extinct." ["Throw physics to the dogs: I'll have none of it!" -- Macbeth (Act V. Scene iii.)] "I say, so what?" he continues. "Live in the now! Carpe diem! Hang on, Sloopy!" Idzik treats this Tony Robbins-esque view of our collective universal fate with the clear and focused disdain it so richly deserves, and I've decided to emulate him by not recapping anymore of Timbo's drivel. So thus ends the sad story of one Lemuel Idzik, murderer, amateur astronomer, and the man who finally did to Omar White what so many have dreamed of doing themselves.

We're in the homestretch now, my friends! It's O'Reily time at last! Sheamus hauls his unkempt hair and stupidly spelled first name down to the cafeteria, where he's greeted by a somewhat less than enthusiastic Ryan. In fact, the junior O'Reily decides to taunt Daddy by throwing his arm around Jahfree Neema and announcing to the entire world that they're now best friends. Neither Sheamus nor Jahfree looks very pleased by this, although I at least did get a tiny visceral thrill out of using the words "Sheamus" and "Jahfree" in the same sentence. Who comes up with these names? After lunch is over, Sheamus gets called to a meeting with Betty Buckley, who pleads with him to visit Cyril one last time before the execution. "I'll leave the hand-holding to you," snarls Crusty McSplitEnds. "He'll get no comfort from me." Betty bitches him out with the ever popular "and who'll be there when YOU die?" speech, but Sheamus replies with a witty bon mot of his own. "Why don't you go suck off your nigger boyfriend?" he asks, proving once and for all that improperly conditioned hair can actually damage the brain beneath your scalp. Betty slugs him a good one (nicely balanced between girly and manly), and then starts to cry as he's led back to his cell.

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