Exeunt Omnes

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 4 USERS: A
So Long, And Thanks For All The Dick

Over in the cafeteria, Governor DeVito is prepping for a press conference and waxing nostalgic about how he's "mellowed" over the years. Dude, if this guy gets any mellower, he's not even going to be able to ride the big boy rides at the amusement park anymore. Ex-Wife Ellie pipes up to reveal that Johnson has fingered The Little Lackey (no, not like that, although it may not be as farfetched in their future) for ordering the murders of Warden Glynn and Mayor James Earl Gay. Governor Coleman responds with a pensive glare, remaining impressively impassive even as Timothy "I Steel Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" McManus squeals, "And you're next, Devlin! You and your little lackey, too!" Governor Bonaparte stomps haughtily off the stage, imperiously declaring that "These charges are scurrilous!" as he waves his finger in Timbo's face. Hee! "Scurrilous" is definitely a fun word. "It's a vain attempt to attack a fine, young, [little] man," he continues. "Who's one step away from getting fucked up the ass," replies the entire cast, crew, and production staff of Shaquille O'Neill's Steel. Oy. Timmy isn't finished, though. "My only hope," he growls, "is that when you go to prison, they send you here to Oz." Oh, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. You know better than that. Show, don't tell. You know it's what the people want to see. Robert Reich offers Ex-Wife Ellie the chance to once again desert The Stainless Steel Rat, but she proudly stands by both her (ex)-men, and even goes so far as to call Muggsy Bogues here "a little prick." Shout-out? Governor Villechaize demands resignations from both of them, and then bellows loudly for the shell-shocked Little Lackey as he makes his final exit. Farewell, Governor Tiny Bubbles. Just be happy that "Zeljko" wasn't even the third strangest name in the cast.

Oh, and here's another quick research tip: Never ask your co-workers for help thinking up the names of famous dead racists. You tend get a lot of funny looks that way. And also a trip to human resources.

Without Leo's murder thusly avenged by the righteous fury of Timbo's pounding on The Steel Drums Of Non-Gay Boss-Love, it's finally time to play "meet the new boss, same as the old boss" as Martin Querns struts triumphantly into a staff meeting to announce his return. Now I'll admit that I've never seen most of his earlier episodes, but I definitely like what I'm seeing here. Where you been all my life, Marty? Although he does pose something of a minor nickname quandary. I mean, do you go with "Warden Shaft"? "Lionel Bitchie"? "Cornel Pest"? So many choices, so few scenes. Cut to Leo's old office, still with his nameplate on the door, where Querns is interviewing the staff. First up is McManus himself, and he's basically told that the only way he'll get to keep his job is if Governor Little Lord Soon To Be Orangepants loses his first. Querns then rounds out his brief moment in the sun with a stirring rendition of "Dancing on the Ceiling," a quick salacious comment directed at Sister Pete, and a warning to the inmates that anyone sent to solitary will be strapped into a device called a "restraint chair," which looks like a stripped-down Nautilus machine with a couple of seatbelts attached to it. He's going to make them do military presses? Man, what a bad-ass!

I get no thrill from Blueberry Hill. Here's a story, and it's lame: A prison inmate was once crushed to death while trying to escape in the hold of a garbage truck, despite the fact that his sentence was just three short years. I seriously doubt Augustus intended this, but I'm not really having a very hard time sympathizing with that guy right now.

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