Exeunt Omnes

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 4 USERS: A
So Long, And Thanks For All The Dick

Jack and Jill went up the Hill, to fetch a pail of pablum. Here's a story, and it's dumb: A man who snuck out of a Vermont prison to hit the local Kwik-E-Mart for cigarettes and beer was actually captured by the guards while trying to break back in. Augustus seems to think that's pretty funny, but let's not forget that this comes from a man who keeps breaking back into prison to narrate even though he's ostensibly dead.

Hey! Rick Fox is back! Woo hoo! And also, "Awwww." I'd forgotten that his acting is even worse than his rebounding. It's so cute watching him try to enunciate. Because he's one of the few people to ever successfully make it out of Oz, and because the Lakers were mired in a hideous slump when these episodes were filmed, Querns has decided to bring good old Jackson Vayhue back to deliver a pep talk to the current inmates. Afterwards, Jackson is signing autographs when Dave Brass comes over and starts acting like an Ain't It Cool News fanboy who's just run into Natalie Portman at the supermarket. I think it's probably for the best that the recent Six Feet Under DVD signing was cancelled, because nobody wants to see me get close to Lauren Ambrose and then freeze up and be all "Fire bad, red hair pretty."

After Dave caps off his gushing with a few vaguely threatening remarks about "all the crazies in the world" (and also uses the word "stundeens" as a euphemism for testicles), the action switches to the meditative maze, where Brass and Murphy share a nice male-bonding moment. Brass explains that the only reason he ever wanted to play in the NBA was so that he could be famous. "I don't want to die a gimpy old guard at some half-ass prison," he adds, without revealing what his thoughts are on being a gimpy old prisoner at some half-ass prison. Then he forgives Murphy for ratting him out over the whole Morales tendon-slicing deal, and proclaims that he's quitting Oz to start a new life for himself. Yeah, that'll work. I'm sure there's just a huge job market out there for physically handicapped vengeance junkies who still faintly reek of the blood-shit-piss-puke cocktail they were doused with a few years back. Which is why I'm not exactly shocked when the very next shot is a TV anchorman reporting that Dave Brass has been arrested for attempting to murder Jackson Vayhue. Sigh. Farewell, sweet Davey. You got stuck with a cheap-o ending, but I never really liked you anyway, so that's okay.

And then the whole thing goes to Hill in a hand basket. Sigh. Again. Here's a story, and it sucks. Literally. It seems a superior court judge in Texas was indicted for soliciting sexual favors from the female relatives of defendants in exchange for sentencing leniency. It's a good story, but I would have liked it better if they went with that crazy New York stalker judge. That guy was creepy.

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