Famous Last Words

Episode Report Card
Megyn: C- | 4 USERS: C+
Clayton Hears A Who

Major props to all the posters who faced the pain of the second half of this season with me. You all rock. Also, a non-shout not-out to the person who infected me with the cold that is currently having it's way with me. I don't know who you are, but beware: I will find you! Every time I sneeze and/or feel panic in the night because I can't breathe, I think of you. Oh, yes. I will find you. No matter what it costs!

Last week on Oz, we all waited for this finale, hoping it would somehow draw the season to its close with remnants of the prior seasons, or at least show us some similarity in writing/plot/believability. Dear Mr. Fontana -- ludicrous plots do not equal original programming.

We open up to Hill in a rotating pod. Most of what we say is trash. Clearly, this man has never had a conversation with the IT guy at my agency. Man, is he something else. I could listen to him for days! Days, I tell you!!

Opening scene. Hill rolls himself over to Burr "Farewell To Charms" Redding's pod, where Poet guards the door in all his lyrical bad-assedness. Hill asks to see Redding. Poet: "He's busy." Hill says he'll wait, but Poet clarifies that Redding is always busy. Too busy for the likes of Hill. Hill looks disappointed, but it may just be that in memorizing the script for the finale, he lost all hope for this show. Much like I have.

The gym. We see the speed bag being worked. A hand appears and stops it. The hand belongs to Enrique "I'll Have Two Plots, Hold The Intelligence" Morales. Pull back to reveal Supreme "Plot In A Can" Allah in a white tank top, looking like he was just getting warmed up. Morales to Allah: "You're not having much luck getting the brothers to turn against Redding." Chucky "Duh, Yah! Which Way Did He Go? Which Way Did He -- Hey, Wait A Minute! Dis Ain't Albuquerque!" Pancamo chimes in with some meathead encouragement for Allah being in trouble. Supreme insists that Redding is going to die. And soon. He walks away, giving the bag a good punch, which shows me that he's a real man, for sure.

Murphy leaning into the mike. Instead of breaking into karaoke, he calls for shakedown. Cue the groans of all the inmates who have no drugs on their persons, while the ones who do start sweating. We see a guard produce a tit from Hill's pod and show it to him. Hill looks incredulous. "That ain't mine!" he insists. The guard says, "Bullshit!" making Hill yell to Murphy that it is not his. Murphy, up late the night before having sweet, sweet love relations with his right hand, irritably says that it's not his either, so Hill is guilty as charged. Cut to Hill telling Sister Pete that he's clean, and has been for three years. Reminding her that she knows him. Pete turns to Tim "I Do The Jitterbug -- Snap Snap -- I Do The Jitterbug" McManus and says, "He's not using, Tim, I'd stake my reputation on it." Slim Tim says Hill must be selling then. See, he believes in a guy like Omar, but Hill gets the book thrown at him. Lucky for Hill, Tim only has pop-up books, which are pretty lightweight as far as chucking goes. Hill tells McCheese that someone must have planted them. Tim asks if Omar's doing the drugs. Hill says, "No." McSuckass concludes he's protecting someone and says he's sending Hill back to Oz, with no punishment, so the inmates think he's a squealer. Fuck! I HATE him! He makes a charity case out of Omar "Good Pill Hunting" White, but punishes Hill for being framed. I realize it's only Hill's word, but come on! Friggin' White is loopier than the roller coaster at the New York, New York hotel in Vegas. And he's a shitty actor. Off with his head! Give it to me and I will personally stuff it with cabbage and feed it to man-eating pigs while doing a little jig and pounding vodka shots with my ladies-in-waiting. Hill asks to be put in the hole, because he knows that is the correct punishment he should receive…not wanting to be "let off" on a drug charge, to be judged by the Em City "jury." Have I mentioned that I hate McManus with the burning heat of liquid hot magma? Hill is one of the well-behaved inmates, and Tim purposely puts his life in danger because he's in a bad mood after waking up on the wrong side of the closet.

Lunchroom of mystery meat and Jell-O with carrot shavings. Hill eats all alone as Redding John-Shafts by with his crew. Hill looks up, but goes back to eating until Supreme walks up with a "See what I'm saying? Redding's the one who put those drugs in your cell." Hill glares, "Maybe you arranged that." He doesn't know who to trust, but Supreme counters with the statement that none of it matters…Redding doesn't trust Hill, so the only thing left to do is waste Redding so Hill doesn't get the red-shirt duty that week. Might as well. We're already five and a half minutes into the show, and no one has died yet. Or shown a penis, for that matter. Have I mentioned that I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE? That my head is about to explode? No? Well, it is. Also, is it bad to drink? A lot? While on antibiotics? Please advise. I can't feel my legs. Heh. Just kidding. Save your emails. Hill watches Supreme leave. Cut to Hill's pod, later. A guy whose name I don't know, we'll call him "Stew," enters, and Hill asks if he's still on "bedpan duty". Yes, Stew still does the pans. Hill holds out a bill and says, "I need some medical records." His thumb covers the denomination of said bill. I notice, because I am looking for it. I'd like to know what they're exchanging. Maybe five bucks is a whole helluva lot. Or maybe it has to be a fifty or a hundred in order to hire someone to do a deed for you. Next we see Hill wheeling himself into the laundry room awash in Kermit green. Poet is there, doing his whites. Hill greets him. Poet snipes, "Don't be talkin' to me, snitch." Hill insists that he's trying to save Redding's life. Poet's all, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Hill tells Poet that he remembers, back in the day, that Supreme is wicked allergic to eggs. Poet picks right up on the groove and says, "Yeah, we be preppin' his meals 'cause we gotta fix his shit real special." Hill: "Not today."

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