Good Intentions

Episode Report Card
Chuck: C+ | Grade It Now!
Ghetto Fabulous

At bedtime, Salty wonders if Ryan's happy about exacting revenge on Kenmin; Ryan plays the victim, but Salty's seen right through the charade to the heart of the matter. Tubby McSalt, who reminds me unpleasantly of Mickey Rooney (as any reminder of Mickey Rooney is unpleasant), wants to know if the cross Ryan wears means anything, or if it's merely a "bauble." "What happened to you when you were a child?" he asks. "What made you walk away from the church?" Ryan explains that he actually ran, as he went to his pastor to complain about paternal beatings, and the pastor told him he deserved it and that he should head home and Honor Thy Father. Salty's all shocked, although that sounds pretty church-like to me, and tries to explain it away with the "bad priest" argument, failing to get the hint that someone who's been completely fucked over by an organization might be better off without it and getting all emphatic about being there for Ryan. "Too fucking late," says Ryan.

John and Jane Doe, "both looking slim and sexy," says Hill, decide to get married, so John drops bank on a diamond red with the blood of Africans, and then they start spawning, contributing to the world's vermin-like overpopulation. Suddenly, says Hill, "My cell don't seem so cramped."

Julie and Alvarez, together in bed. Alvarez loves Julie in a way he hasn't loved anyone since his kid died. I wrench my mind from the gutter. Penders wonders if Alvarez has ever seen a dogfight, but Alvarez says no. Cockfight yes, dogs no. Penders starts talking about dogs ripping each other apart until Alvarez goes all girly animal-lover and tells him to stop. As they leave the pod for the common area, a CO confronts them about some chocolate pudding on the floor. After maintaining that Guerra is the floor-pooping party, Penders gets huffy when the CO tells him to clean it up. One thing leads to another, and soon the CO's got Penders on the floor, and proceeds to smear Penders's face in the dookie. Which has to be one of the grossest things I've seen lately. Suddenly, Penders yells, "Chester, now," and Chester jumps the CO, which makes the fake blood packs in the CO's collar explode, as everyone in the room, including Penders with his Mr. Hanky kiss, hoots with approval. Penders does not pass Go on his way to solitary.

Miss Dog stands over a blindfolded Alvarez and says that Penders's decision to teach Chester to attack puts "a shadow over the whole program." She and Salty can swap platitudes. Like no one noticed Penders teaching a dog to attack. A dog that's probably been put down by now. Julie leads Alvarez up the stairs to Miss Dog and finishes Man's Best Friend with flying colors. Alvarez wishes he could see the person Julie will belong to. Because this is television, he can. And, because this is television, it's Rivera, who enters, removes his sunglasses so everyone (except him) can see his mangled eyes, and explains that he's taking Julie both for himself and for the wife that he, as a blind man, loves and cherishes. This pleases Alvarez, as he custom-trained Julie for Rivera -- after Miss Dog and McManus look alarmed at the thought that Julie might also know how to attack, everyone shares a laugh when they discover that Alvarez has also trained Julie to obey commands in Spanish. The genuine niceness of this moment is compromised only by McManus's all-too-familiar smug, self-satisfied look.

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