Oz
Impotence

Episode Report Card
Chuck: B- | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Limp Bizkit

So, apparently ten to twenty million men suffer from impotence, which is really a huge bummer for them. That's also quite a range -- understandable, I'm thinking, because it's probably not something a lot of guys want to discuss publicly. But let's have a moment of thanks for Pfizer, who started stopping the shame with Viagra, erectile dysfunction, and Bob Dole talking about his other limp appendage. America just keeps getting better and better.

That's just one of the alarming numbers Hill throws out during this, his final Season Five opening monologue. Red numbers, all Family Feud-strike-style, underscore Hill's discussion of the causes of flaccidity, which range from the non-penile physical to the psychological to -- and here's the spookeliest part -- the completely unknown.

An uncut schlong metaphorically disappears into a pair of pants -- it's Robson's, and he's metaphorically leaving solitary. Back in Unit B, the Aryans respond to his affable greeting with a junior-high-style table exodus; Robson realizes what's afoot and begs Schillinger not to abandon him. Look, tainted one, says Schillinger, I'm just following orders, because in this world, thinking for oneself is just too damn hard. Besides, it's all about Creed, and since you're all about hip-hop now, instead of constipated God-fearing white boys, you've got to go. Capiche? Robson insists that Feradj told him that his gums are white, but Schillinger guesses from the big-ass beauty mark that Feradj left on Robson's cheek that he's not telling the truth. In a final blow, Schillinger tells Gumby that he'll be moving to a new cell come the morrow.

So Robson goes to the library to lose himself in literature. The Backstreet Muslims enter, and Arif begins teasing Robson before Said reins him in. Then "Better Man" Said tells Robson that, "despite all you done, my heart goes out to you." He explains that Allah is trying to teach Robson a lesson, and hopes he's smart enough to learn it. Robson stands, glares, and opines that the lesson is that his friends will take him back. Because he'll make them.

Apparently, making them involves "a shitload of tits." Robson approaches Poet -- who calls him "my stepbrother" (hee) -- in the cafeteria and makes the deal. That night, as Schillinger sleeps below him, Robson rubs the white powder all over his gums (stupid), jumps off the bunk (elegant), pulls a shiv from under the mirror tray (daring), stares at his grayish-brown gums in the mirror (gross), and then begins slicing at them. Okay, that's the grossest thing I've ever seen on this show. Who'd have thought, really, with all the other puke-inducing things, that Robson's mouth would be, hands down, the worst offender? The world really is full of surprises. I'm literally cringing in disgust as Robson collapses on the floor, blood dripping from his mouth, and screams his dumb-as-a-rock head off in complete and utter pain.

Hill, on the floor next to his wheelchair, demonstrates The Impotent Conundrum. Attempting (and failing) to pull himself into his chair, he explains that some folks can't get it up because they don't get it up. And so on and so forth, as the camera zigs and zooms and Hill keeps can't-ing and don't-ing and then yells for help because he "can't get it up." That was just stupid.

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Oz

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