Rita Moreno and Betty Buckley are on television, promoting the Auswahlde Players production of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, starring them. And talking about Cyril, whose IQ of fifty-one stands as one of the lowest of any condemned prisoner. It also qualifies him for a limitless field of high-paying careers in management. Ryan stands and leaves his front-row seat, stopping to inform The Father Of Spunk that no amount of press conferences will save Cyril. Salty says something pithy yet uplifting about the power of prayer that sounds for all the world to me like fingers scraping across a chalkboard. Ryan responds, "While you're at it, why don't you suck my dick?" Crusty McPooter purses his lips to show that he thinks a quick nip at the staff of life might be quite a lark, indeed.
At the piano, Suzanne drowns the futility of her life in a bad song. Salty prances in, puts on a show, and demands to know the intimate details of Ryan's life. Because he's a priest, Suzanne wants to help. But -- oops! -- she abandoned Ryan when he was, like, an hour old, and has only resurfaced recently, and she's focused less on actually getting to know her son than on a lost cause for someone who isn't her son. Oh, gosh, that's okay, says Salty. Could you just point me to someone else in the family who'd be willing to unearth all the sordid details of Ryan's unhappy life to a meddling man of God? But of course, says Betty Buckley. Try calling his aunt Brenda -- she's got the loosest lips this side of the Mississippi. And squawk she does -- just listen to the triumphant swagger of Salty's "yes, we're doing everything we can for Cyril" before he hangs up the phone.
Salty trots back to the pod to test his newfound knowledge. "Tell me about Carolyn," he says. Carolyn O'Reily, Ryan's little sister. Carolyn O'Reily, dead girl. Oh, my. Oh, dear. Ryan wants know who told him about Carolyn, but Salty says, "Oh, that doesn't matter. Just tell me your memory of her." And then lightning strikes Salty for being such a pompous ass. Ryan refuses, which also doesn't matter, because Salty already got all the grisly details from Aunt Brenda. Fell out of a crib at six months old, broke her neck, and died. Ryan wants to know why Salty's doing this, and Salty replies that, in addition to finding joy in rubbing other's noses in the worst moments of suffering they've ever experienced, "I've seen how you love your brother, how you're protective of him, yet you're willing to let him die." Why, oh why, will you let him die? Oh, why? Catholic advertising about the swell afterlife worked, says Ryan, but Salty's relentless. Wants to know if Ryan feels responsible, had anything to do with it. Ryan doesn't want to talk, but Salty keeps pushing and pushing and pushing until Ryan finally pops him in the face and starts sobbing as I burst forth with a joyful yelp. And still Salty McPunched refuses to cease. He grabs Ryan's leg before pulling him into his soft belly for a hug. Ryan sobs that he told a priest the truth, but that the priest didn't believe him, BECAUSE PRIESTS HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE FOR HIM BUT NOW ONE IS AND I'M LETTING HIM IN SO EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE.