Oz
Junkyard Dawgs

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Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
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The Pest Savant at the End of the Universe

Crap-Ass Crime Flashback, Part The Third. This one features an impressive Dennis Rodman look-alike throwing acid in a drag queen's face. It's mildly better than the norm, mostly because of the highly entertaining reaction shots from the other cross-dressers. Prisoner number 03T-323, Alonzo Torquemada. Convicted February 6th, 2003, Assault in the First Degree. Sentence: Ten years. Up for parole in six.

Ahh! At long last we discover who owns those kick-ass platform boots that are in the opening credits each week. It's Torquemada, and my joy at having one of the great mysteries of Oz solved right before my very eyes is tempered only by the knowledge that all the good Mel Brooks jokes have already been used in this guy's forum thread. Oh, well. I guess nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, right? In addition to the boots, Torquemada wears white gloves, a fancy suit, a pink feather boa, and a single milk white contact lens as he strides into Oz with the gays parading behind him. Man, talk about a Sex-Eye! And what's up with the weird prison-sex confluence in Bobby Cannavale's career this week? Did he piss off his agent, or is he just so happy to be away from Third Watch that he's decided to emulate Omar and find the gayest situations possible? For me at least, I'm just happy he's not Eddie Cibrian.

Once Torquie gets settled, he pays Alvarez a little visit in the empty computer lab. After a brief exchange of pleasantries, Alonzo -- who's added one of Carrie Bradshaw's giant flower brooches to his ensemble -- offers Miguel a free sample of his latest designer drug, which consists of a tiny green tablet called "Destiny." Miguel declines, which prompts Torquemada to say, "I like you. You're smart. You can be my Numero Dos." "What? Of the drag queens?" snarks Alvarez. Heh. Torquemada explains that "Destiny" is the greatest drug ever, and that he plans on using it to one day rule all of Em City. Then he's going to put the prisoners on the rack and force them to confess to heresy. Just kidding. He's actually just going to have sex with all of them. What? It's the power of The Eye, people. Miguel refuses every overture, and Torquemada finally gives up and departs. But not before he stops to sniff Miguel a few times. Yeah, that's right. He sniffs him. And it was the sexiest damn sniff I've ever seen.

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Oz

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