Junkyard Dawgs

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
The Pest Savant at the End of the Universe

Cut to the kitchen, where Grasshley emphatically demonstrates the powerful negative impact THC can have on your intellect by selling brownies to the other inmates while Pancamo stands mere inches away, using his handy George Foreman grill to drain the excess Bovine Growth Hormone out of the Tuesday meatloaf.

Back in Em City, everyone is crowded around the TV, watching Sallycize. Here's some sample dialogue: "Get your balls out and make sure they're firm and round, because we're going gonna bounce them high! Yeah! Hard! Pump it stiff and hard!" Oy. Since when does the Spice Channel have a workout show? Meanwhile, Pancamo and Urbano are up in their pod, discussing the need to kill Grasshley before he starts infringing on their business. At the same time, Poet, Reggie, and the unnecessarily-difficult-to-spell Keneniah are in their own pod, trying to determine the brownies' secret ingredient. After rejecting butter, brown sugar, and bongwater as likely possibilities, they decide that the only solution will be to get the recipe straight from the man himself.

Which may be hard to do, because here come the Italians, who have cornered Grasshley alone in the kitchen. I guess you can forget what I said about him being the low man on the totem pole, because even though he doesn't get to use his own personal pay phone, he does apparently have the right to visit the kitchen any time he wants, with absolutely no supervision of any kind. I guess some judge must have recently ruled that all prisoners have a constitutional right to get the munchies or something. Whatever. At least his last words are kind of funny: "Oh. I feel like Custer." Heh. Pancamo drags him into a back room, and while an ostensibly Italian Will Ferrell look-alike holds him in place, they rapidly proceed to burn his face off with the violent out-gassing from a steam pipe. You know, because all kitchens have pipes with levers that release white-hot gas on command. Why wouldn't they? Anyway, farewell, Stanley Bukowski. Like the song says, I was going to care about your death, but then I got high.

The next day, Poet and crew wander through Em City, lamenting the late but unloved former Mr. Shannen Doherty. They're especially distraught because the recipe he gave them just before his untimely death has turned out to be worthless, which means they're right back to square one when it comes to earning money. Never one to let a little thing like a complete and utter lack of intelligence, common sense, or proper capitalization skillz get him down, muMs decides to embark on a new moneymaking scheme, this time utilizing Redding. They immediately head off to find him in the shower room, and start things off by begging to return to their old telemarketing jobs. Well, that doesn't sound like a very good plan. Why not just try selling magazines and candy bars pod-to-pod or something? The Cos -- perhaps fondly remembering his former life with Theo, Sondra, and Rudy before the crack came and addled his brain -- quickly announces that he'll take them back. But not before he makes them get down on their knees and beg a little. Reggie and Keneniah don't look real happy about all this, but that's probably just because they're too stupid to realize what would have happened if it were Keller instead of Crackhead Cosby making them kneel like that.

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