Junkyard Dawgs

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
The Pest Savant at the End of the Universe

So let's see. Omar said noon, right? And this sequence started with the morning count, which we'll just assume was at eight, okay? Now he's already met with McManus, eaten breakfast, and endured sixty minutes of Physics 402: String Theory and the Implications of Sub-Atomic Stupidity, so it's got to be at least ten o'clock by now, right? So in the two hours he has remaining, we're supposed to believe that Omar visited the library, read a half-dozen books, surfed the internet ("What do you mean, the closed captioning had better timing? Fuck you, Recap Boy!"), and got his Ph.D in advanced astrophysics, all without leaving the prison. Or, you know, turning into someone who ISN'T OMAR! Come to think of it, why the hell am I nitpicking the timeline when what we're really faced with here is the stupidest man in Oz suddenly morphing into Johannes Kepler and going all A Brief History of Crime on our asses. Oy. Words just simply cannot convey how stupid all this is. Anyway, Omar's central thesis, which he's helpfully written out on a chalkboard that's filled with astronomical charts and -- God help us -- relativistic equations for determining light transfer properties, is that while "light, heat, and gas" may someday come to an end, there won't just be a void, but rather a massive singularity that will condense all existence to into a tiny, massively dense ball of matter. Yep. Right there. That's what did it. This scene is now officially the dumbest thing I've ever seen on HBO, and I once watched Mike Binder get a blow-job while viewing an old Three Stooges movie. Because the universe isn't actually going to end, Omar has decided not to kill Idzik. "I am very disappointed in you," says the diminutive doofus. "Well, yeah. This is Oz," replies Omar, in what Tom Fontana probably wishes weren't another example of subtle self-mockery. "Maybe you can convince somebody else," he continues. But alas, Idzik merely gives him an evil stare, and frostily announces that he's already made an alternative arrangement.

Which turns out to involve killing Omar! Woo hoo! Ding-dong, the dork is dead! I've never been so happy in my life! Hell, even the sight of the ridiculous Resusci-Annie CPR doll they're using to play Omar's lifeless corpse isn't enough to ruin my mood. Idzik gets carted off to solitary, and in a touch of continuity that's probably completely accidental, he even gets Omar's old cell. Aw. That's almost touching, in a Thank God We Never Have To See Either Of Them Again sort of way. I will say, however, that if Idzik fucks Claire before this is over, I'm not recapping the finale. Not even Sars would fire me for refusing to write about that. ["For putting the idea in Fontana's head, on the other hand…" -- Sars]

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