Junkyard Dawgs

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
The Pest Savant at the End of the Universe

Cafeteria. Beecher arrives for a meeting with Betty Buckley, and instead finds himself alone with Keller in a weird little backstage area that no one has ever seen before. Hmm. I guess all the storage closets were booked. Keller teases him a bit, obviously enjoying the fact that his presence makes Toby massively uncomfortable. Then he picks up a shank and takes a few vaguely threatening steps across the room, which makes Beecher leap of his chair and run to hide in the corner. Heh. Keller stabs himself in the head to prove that it's merely a fake prop shank, and I'm left to wonder exactly what version of Macbeth they're going to be putting on here. I can just hear it now: "Is this a sharpened toothbrush I see before me, the bristles toward my hand?" They quote Shakespeare at each other for a few minutes, and then Keller pulls out a real shank, and once again Beecher is leaping out of his chair. This time he goes on the attack, but Keller manages to deck him with a single punch. Hee! Man, Beecher really is a wuss. Chris pulls out a set of handcuffs, and The One-Note French Horn of Impending Doom wails its creepy tune.

Meanwhile, McManus and Betty Buckley run into each other in the lounge for the sole purpose of establishing that Betty never set a meeting with Beecher. They quickly realize it's a set-up of some kind, but will they get there in time to save him? What do you think?

When we come back, Keller has Beecher handcuffed to a chair with a strip of duct tape across his mouth. Well, at least Toby will be safe from an anthrax attack. Chris plants himself in Beecher's lap and rubs both shanks across his face a few times, looking for all the world like a very recent graduate of The Jame Gumb School For Advanced Public Creepiness. "It puts the lotion in the basket," he says, while pretending not to know which shank is fake and which is real. Oh, no, he doesn't. He does, however, stab Tobias in the stomach with fake shank, just to get his attention. Keller goes on to reveal that Vern wants Beecher dead, and that he's been pretending to be Schillinger's "butt buddy" so that he'll know about the plans in advance. Meloni spends most of the scene dancing around Beecher's bound form, trying to look all scary and tough, and I've gotta be honest: I just don't get why people are so in love with this guy. Ryan, I get. The Big Black Sex Cop, I totally get. Meloni? Not so much. It always seems like he's sort of phoning it in. Plus he's got a pretty nasty beer gut. I guess you had to see the whole series to truly appreciate these two. Anyway, Keller pretends to stab Toby again, and then announces that if he really wanted Toby dead, he could have killed him by now. His point made, Chris uncuffs him and adds, "Instead, all I really want is for you to love me again." Then he plants a big wet kiss on Toby, who doesn't really seem to be resisting all that much. Their lip-lock is interrupted by Betty, who as a paid employee of Oz is contractually required to arrive just seconds too late to prevent anything bad from happening.

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