Oz
Losing Your Appeal

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Couch Baron: B | Grade It Now!
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It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Chris-Mas

Guest starring Christopher Meloni. Who's that?

Okay, before I start recapping the action, I suppose I'm going to have to give you my position on Keller. Do I think he's hot? Yes. Does he reduce me to tee-heeing and sighing like a schoolgirl, like a couple other cast members I could mention do? Not so much. The man can sell smoldering looks, for sure, and it's not like I wouldn't have him around to my place for a lovely evening of, er, stimulating conversation, but I'm not saying his name in my sleep or writing "C.B. and C.K." in my Trapper Keeper. Just so you know. If y'all want to take out a banner ad burning a cyber-effigy of me, I'll understand. On the other hand, I haven't seen the rest of Season Two or any of Season Three yet, so it's possible I'll still come around. Anyway.

Our first image is a red rose. We fade back to see Hill sitting at a dinner table, an image of a young boy and girl smiling and facing each other projected on the wall behind him. He tells us that the Bible isn't the greatest story ever told, but rather "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl." Hill, considering that you wield the spoken word with all the subtlety of a wrecking ball, you'll forgive me if I view your assessment with a bit of skepticism, I'm sure. He babbles about that moment when "every corpuscle in your dick is percolating [sic]," and I know this show likes to trample on the boundaries of good taste, but framing this comment with a picture of two five-year-old kids is really a bit much. Hill adds that not everyone has the same impulses, as we cut to Hanlon. He enters his pod to find Mack and two of his goons. Mack demands a blowjob. It's just too bad Cindy Brady hasn't shown up yet. Also, as we soon see, this pod is in full view of the main area. I mean, Mack, have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You might get him to suck your dick, but I sure don't think he'd want everyone to witness it. Anyway, Hanlon refuses and slugs Mack. The goons grab him, but Diane taps on the window and asks if there's a problem. Uh, two guys are physically restraining Hanlon in his own pod. I know money's tight for you, Diane, so here's a quarter. Buy a clue. She leaves, and Mack punches Hanlon in the stomach. Unless Mack's wearing brass knuckles, Hanlon seriously overacts the resulting pain. Mack informs him, apropos of absolutely nothing, that he and Schillinger killed Vogel, and threatens him with the same fate. Wouldn't Hanlon know about Vogel already, considering that the reason they killed him was to send a message to everyone that the Aryans were back? Mack: "Now suck my fucking dick!" You know, I have a feeling Fontana doesn't care for Hanlon's character very much, because if I were trying to flatter someone, I wouldn't pick having a troll like Mack demanding a blowjob to be the defining moment that triggers his prisoner flashback. But I'm probably reading too much into it.

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Oz

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