Medium Rare

Episode Report Card
Megyn: B+ | Grade It Now!
Return of the Jab-eye

First off, my sincere props to all the posters who have been patient as they awaited this tardy recap. I did mighty battle with the flu and lost. Oh, how I lost. Here, now, is the recap, brought to you by the nighttime-sniffling-sneezing-coughing-aching-stuffy-head-fever-so-you-can-recap-medicine.

Opening credits. Fade up on Hill, who intones from a Plexiglas cell that in Oz, the inmates pretty much know their daily routines and such, i.e., when they are going to eat, sleep, play dodge ball and exchange smack for French cigarettes or sexual favors. He then prattles about watching TV, thus, beginning the slow, agonizing pain of his blathering prologue driving the point of the episode into my skull. For those people in the world who are less fortunate, and don't even have TV, much less cable, I would like to tell you, it's okay. It really is. Thanks, Hill. Now take a nap. You're very, very tired.

Opening scene. The prisoners are watching -- yes, they are watching TV. Who knew? The entertainment in question would be a game show called Up Your Ante, in which Eartha Kitt is the "celebrity" guest. If by celebrity, I mean annoying and ancient…and I do. The first question pertains to what the growth of pubic hair-like patch on a man's upper lip and chin is called. I start to shout out, my brother! It's my brother's chin! Then I realize this isn't a real game show and I won't actually win any money. My life sucks, dude. Eartha's hint is that it can also be called a "Rob Petrie." Of course, none of the Ozlings know who Rob Petrie is, except for Tobias "I love my dead, dismembered son" Beecher, who explains to Chucky "Stop bustin' my stones" Pancamo that "goatee" is the correct answer. Van Dyke, is, indeed, correct. Poet tells them all to stow it. Okay, sidebar. Aren't they all wearing headphones? How do they watch TV, with headphones, which more than likely supply them with individual volume control, and yet they manage to carry on random conversations with each other? I ponder this, furrowing my fevered brow only to have the hacks shut off the TV, thus ending everyone's good, clean fun while Hill VOs from his cage (which is, frighteningly, very much like the semi-cubicle, desk-like thing that I sit behind five days a week while staring out of a fifth-floor window, wondering what it would be like to throw myself out of it, thus escaping corporate hell. But I figure I held out for a more apropos way of annihilating myself by attempting to recap while seeing double. And a lot of pretty colors too, now that I think about it. I'll just have another swig of Nyquil) that "TV -- keeps us busy -- keeps us happy." And we see that need for TV happiness by the raised objections from the inmates as they are torn from their game show and are then forced to find something else to do.

And we're in the office of one Leo "I think I did it a" Glynn's office. Leo is entering, followed by Ally Sheedy (whose name is Lisa, but I doubt I'll refer to her by that name. Ever) sporting her trademark short hair and an equally unflattering suit. She explains to Glynn, and those of us playing at home, that she's a segment producer, and the show is divided into four ten-minute stories. She also makes mention of one Jack Eldridge, who is the star of said show. Cut to brief black-and-white glimpse of the artist formerly known as Robin Colcord, a.k.a. Jack Eldridge ["a.k.a. Mr. Racine" -- Sars], wincing, before we cut back to Glynn stating that he "likes" Eldridge because he's a "ball-buster." Ally continues to perk that they want to film a three-part series on Oz. Glynn, who is now seated at his desk, regards her calmly and says, "No." Sheedy, flashing her best prom-girl smile, asks, "What do you have to hide?" After pondering whether he should get into the whole thing about executions, attempted assassinations, and, well, pretty much his fear about the entire reign of Querns ever peeking out from underneath the large rug of denial they both stepped over as they walked through the office, he decides against it and goes with the folded-hands-position of disapproval and how he'd "like to distance [himself] from any sort of negative publicity." It apparently has been four years since the riots in Oz. Sheedy gets all smug and tells Glynn she's already obtained permission from the commissioner. Just as Glynn reaches for the phone to call Governor Gremlin, Ally stops him in his tracks with the cold hard fact that she already got the green light from Gremlin. Glynn cleverly disguises his disgust by slamming down the phone disgustedly. Glynn: "If you already knew it was a done deal, why did you even ask me?" Ally: "To get your honest reaction."

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