Oz
Obituaries

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West Said Story

Sister Pete runs into Gloria Nathan in the infirmary, and Gloria launches right into the matter at hand, telling Sister Pete that she had dinner with Preston's parents the previous evening. And she mentioned the interaction program. And how did they react? "Patricia seemed more intrigued by the idea than Lars." Well, go figure. I mean come on. The man's name is Lars. His life has been conflicted enough as it is. Miraculously, though, Gloria has convinced them to participate in the program. But, sadly, the news is not all good: Gloria feels that Preston's parents do blame her for Preston's death, "but they're too WASP to be confrontational." Clever little character development there. I like that. I like Gloria. Things are going well.

Sister Pete's office. Sister Pete tells Cyril that he will probably "have to talk to the mother and father and wife of the man [he] killed" while Ryan looks on with an ironic protectiveness. Cyril gets it. When he meets them, Cyril plans to tells them that he "want[s] to be their friend." Awwwww. Major, MAJOR soft spot for Cyril. Sister Pete asks Ryan what he wants to say, and he tries to shut her down, telling her the only reason he's there is for Cyril, "to cure him of those nightmares." Sister Pete indicates that this is not so much the case, and she wants Ryan to go into detail about how he developed feelings for Gloria while under her care, and how this led to his having Cyril kill Preston. Ryan leans into an extreme close-up: "I still love her. I do. And that ain't never gonna go away." Oh. My.

Back in his pod now, Ryan self-mutilates the already injured hand to get back to the infirmary. Once back under medical attention, however, he discovers that Dr. Nathan isn't around to examine him. Oops.

Back in Sister Pete's office, Gloria introduces the nun to Preston's parents. They sit. Lockjawed Lars expresses skepticism with the whole program. Sister Pete begins to prepare them for the experience ahead, asking Preston's mom what she wants to ask Cyril and Ryan. Predictably, it is not, "Pardon me, sir, is this the Chattanooga choo-choo?" and she begins to cry when she asks why they had to murder her baby.

Back in Em City, Ryan terminates a pay phone call with me, making plans to meet in my bed after this episode wraps. Oh, that's right. We're together now. Sorry, Earth. MINE! Ahem. Cyril asks him why Ryan doesn't use "a cell thing," and Ryan sets the record straight in telling Cyril that cell phones are not allowed in Oz. Why, then, does "the man who talks funny" have one? Cyril indicates Stanislofsky walking into his pod and impersonates a Russian accent. It's real funny, like. And before he can say "AT&T Wireless services," Ryan is inside of Nikolai's cell asking him about the phone. Nikolai denies having one. But if he did, he wouldn't just let Ryan borrow it. There would have to be some kind of "rental" situation with spools of strings attached. But he doesn't have a cell phone. He just said so. But Ryan doesn't believe him. So at lunch that day, Ryan convinces Pancamo that he needs to get an ill Cyril out of the cafeteria and back to Em City. Predictably, we cut to Ryan in Em City, where he runs into Nikolai's pod and tears it apart. Nothing. Cut to...oh, my God, it's Ryan's naked behind in the shower. Does TV get any better? Anyone tape this? Oh, wait. I DID. 'Cause it's my job. I get paid. For watching Dean Winters wet. In the shower. As many times as I feel it necessary within the confines of my occupational requirements. And if you look reeeeeal close, you can just barely see...Anyway, Nikolai walks into the shower and accuses Ryan: "Couldn't find it, could you?" Real innocent response: "Find what?" They volley. Did I mention I get paid for this? Suckas.

Ryan has run out of patience. He approaches Galino's (that's the total idiot from whom Nikolai pinched the phone last week) pod and starts right in with a bonding chat about life in Oz: "You know what the hardest part is? It's gettin' used to life without all the trimmings. I'm talking about sex, a good cigar, a fine bottle of vino, a cell phone." Galino takes the bait with no further prodding, volunteering that he gave the phone to Stanislofsky. Is Ryan getting better at playing everyone around him like a cheap fiddle with one string, or are the inmates just getting progressively dumber as the series wears on? Ryan reminds Galino that Stanislofsky is a hated Commie pinko Russian, and Galino swears vengeance when Ryan tells him that the red bastard has commandeered the phone for his own private use. Over in the computer room, Nikolai looks at a monitor screen filled with pornographic images of women in some behind-the-iron-curtain renegade Communist bloc that may or may not exist anymore. Galino bursts in and demands the phone back by nightfall. Cut to Nikolai in Pancamo's pod, where Nikolai asks whether Galino is at all associated with them. He is not, and Pancamo even adds for extra clarity, "I don't care if that motherfucker lives or dies." Oy. Last week a pair of sneakers, this week a cell phone. I'm really looking forward to that not-too-distant-future episode where a character gets bumped off for angling in on, like, another guy's box of Pop-Tarts or something. Everyone just relax.

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Oz

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