And straight into one even more unrealistic than the last. Timmy's ex-wife (I need a name here, people ["Eleanor O'Connor" -- Sars]) actually manages to convince Leo that holding a photo-shoot for Maxim magazine on death row would somehow be a good idea. Leo's only objection is that it all somehow seems unethical. Mine is that whoever's been running the print side of The AOL Time Warner Cross-Promotional Synergy Team has clearly been running amok on the set of Oz for weeks now. Cut to Lopresti informing the inmates, with Keller practically bursting into schoolgirl giggles behind him. Chris is even happier to learn that the pictorial comes out in January (On newsstands now! Buy copies for all your loved ones!), because his execution isn't scheduled until April. From there we go right into the shoot itself, the highlight of which is a picture of Cyril and Jericho decked out in a turtleneck and black suit. Man, that sock is stylin'! When all four inmates are gathered together for a group shot, however, Hoyt makes the most of a rare opportunity. A quick punch to the gut doubles Timmy over, and after taking a brief moment to deck Lopresti and strike an insouciant pose for the camera, Hoyt grabs a klieg light and smashes it into Timmy's face. And while I did admittedly bitch about last week's death by dart, I do have to agree that killing Timothy "Cocksucker" Kirk by shoving a giant, electrified light bulb down his throat is pure comedy genius. Farewell, Timmy. Only in Oz could blowjobs and the brutality of your death combine to provide such quality dramatic irony.
With Kirk out of the way, we quickly learn that Father Mukada has been reinstated, and all charges against him have been dropped. Now -- see? That's what I love about Oz. That entire plotline took less than five minutes of screentime. The Sopranos sometimes goes five weeks without a new plot. Are you listening, David Chase? We certainly know Chris Albrecht is.
And speaking of Chris Albrecht, it's time for more product placement. And to think it was just last week that last week I praised Oz as the last great ad-free preserve. Now here they are, devoting entire scenes to grievously pimping their own merchandising tie-ins. You'll never catch Carmela baking something out The Sopranos Family Cookbook, for Christ's sake. But we're still expected to endure hearing Said and McManus describing Augustus's memoirs (Coming soon! Pre-order copies for all your loved ones!) as "the best book about prison [they've] read in years." Oy. I'm frankly surprised the suits didn't make Eamonn Walker stencil "www.hbo.com/store/oz" onto that skull cap he always wears. Said solemnly intones that his publisher (a wholly owned subsidiary of AOL Time Warner Conglomerated, no doubt) is greatly interested in putting out the book, but Redding hasn't shown any interest in even reading it. Smart man, that Crackhead Cosby.