See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Smell No Evil

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | Grade It Now!
There is no spoon.

But first we get to see Petey at rehearsals for Macbeth, performing opposite one of the ditzier members Oz's pseudo-female cast. When Alvarez declares them all to be finished for the day, Schibetta takes a moment to chat up Betty Buckley before leaving. Distracted by the mesmerizing sheen of his flowing locks, Betty fails to notice him pilfering something from her purse. Ryan doesn't see it either, but he does emerge from a back room just in time to find his mom searching for her car keys. He immediately puts two and two together and gets Petey, and tries to chase after him down the hallway. Unfortunately, his path is blocked by the guards, who refuse to let him leave.

Or perhaps that wasn't unfortunate at all, because as Schibetta makes his way down yet another darkened corridor, the Italians emerge to greet him with beady eyes and velour tracksuits. "We need to have a little chat about life and death," says Pancamo, before kissing Petey on each cheek. "My life, and your death." They throw him against the wall, and soon enough Petey joins his pop at the great big social club in the sky. Farewell, Peter Schibetta. At least they didn't rape you this time. Or cut off your head and hands and bury you with a backhoe, for that matter.

Cut to a guard bringing Leo down to see the body. Yeah, right. If Leo had to personally inspect every corpse in Oz, he'd never get any actual work done. Oh, wait. That actually makes a weird kind of sense. Anyway, even after the guard pulls a plate containing Petey's eyeball out of puddle of blood on the floor, I'm still actually relieved that this has so far been one of the least disgusting episodes of Oz I've ever seen.

I said "so far."

Back in Em City, the prison is being thrown into lockdown while Petey's murder is investigated. As they head for their pods, Pancamo tosses Betty Buckley's car keys back to Ryan. He even smiles, somehow not realizing how badly he's just been played. But that's okay, because I myself somehow didn't realize that lockdowns in Oz only last as long as the very scene they're announced in. Sure enough, five seconds later Pancamo is out of his cell and back on the warpath. This time his target is the follically and periodontically challenged James Robson, who almost killed him with a shiv last season. Despite the obvious dearth of guards, security cameras, and any semblance of ambient lighting in virtually all other areas of the prison, Chucky decides to seek revenge in the library in front of dozens of witnesses and under the blinding glare of Shelbyville's last remaining sixty-watt soft white light bulb. Stripped of his Aryan protectors, Robson is forced to cower behind the book cart while the guards drag Pancamo away kicking, screaming, and oozing Dianabol from every pore all the while. Hell, even Patti Lupone looks less scared than Robson, and she's still faced with the possibility of seeing Rebadow naked at some point this season.

Shaken by his near-death experience, Robson goes to plead with Schillinger for protection. Vern refuses to even acknowledge Robson's presence, however, and Robson suffers the further indignity of being threatened and manhandled by his own former prag. Okay, I've got to say that with the new hairdo, Winthrop looks even more like a girl than he did before. He's actually prettier without the make-up. With the Brotherhood refusing to lend assistance, Robson finds himself in front of Cutler's cell. He tentatively broaches the subject of protection, but Cutler makes it clear that the only way he'll save Robson's ass is if he gets to keep it for himself. Insisting that he's not a prag, Robson sets off in search of some other big strapping man who can protect him and meet all his emotional needs without always leaving his socks on the floor and constantly demanding kinky sex.

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