See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Smell No Evil

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
There is no spoon.

With the mayor safely incarcerated, calm has once again returned to the streets of Shelbyville, and the lockdown is over. Officer Pepa strolls along the hallways of Unit B, and her pathetic attempt at pretending to unlock Schillinger's cell door is made even more laughable when the camera pulls back to reveal that there wasn't even a keyhole anywhere near the area where she was pantomiming. Come on, Pepa! You can do better than that. You've got to push it! Push it real good! Vern is concerned that with Mayor McCraggy stuck in Unit J, Beecher might try to hurt him in order to extract revenge on the Aryans. He orders Cindy Brady to put out word that Beecher will suffer if anything happens to Loewen.

Except Beecher is pretty clearly suffering already, because he's forced to endure the guy's incessant mealtime ramblings, which are just chock-full of self-aggrandizing name droppings. "We were in the Oval Office," says Mayor McCheesy, "and the President says to me, 'Wilson, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be sitting in this chair right now. So thanks again for introducing me to Monica. She's under the desk even as we speak!'" Toby mocks him for being so power hungry, and even suggests that he "run for God," but Loewen and Yood just laugh harder, and actually think that's not a half bad idea. Then, despite the fact that he was shown several times to be eating nothing more strenuous than mashed potatoes, the Mayor suddenly begins to wheeze and gasp in alarm. Beecher immediately jumps up and performs the Heimlich maneuver, sending the saliva-soaked spuds soaring across the cell. Hmm. I guess Mayor McChokey likes 'em lumpy. In the background, Cindy Brady arrives with his mail cart just in time to see all this go down. Or come back up. Whatever.

He then immediately reports back to Vern, who is now sporting a pair of stylized eyeballs that have been tattooed onto the back of his head. They're cool, and they kind of make his skull look like a demented Tubey, but I still like my "TWoZ" idea better. Schillinger is shocked to hear that Beecher saved the mayor's life, and this revelation is quickly followed by Sister Pete telling Tobias that Schillinger would like a chance to express his gratitude. Beecher is suitably suspicious, and when Vern arrives in Sister Pete's office for their little chat, he can barely bring himself to listen to the guy. Schillinger explains that Mayor Loewen has always supported his family, and even gave him plane tickets once when he couldn't afford a honeymoon. So, in return for Beecher's actions, Vern promises not to do anything to mess up his parole. "If you can get out of the fuck hole," he says, "go." "Whatever you're selling, I'm not buying," replies Beecher. "I can give you a list as long as my tattooed ass of all the things you told me that were 'true.'" Hee! I've so got to find a way to work that line into my daily conversations. Schillinger can't understand why Toby saved the mayor if he didn't want anything in return, and this affords Beecher the opportunity to proclaim that even after all his time in Oz, his first instinct on seeing a dying individual is still to try and save his life. In other words, he's ready to be paroled.

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