See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Smell No Evil

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
There is no spoon.

Shirley scene. Apparently, pregnant women and epileptics both know that bad smells equal impending doom. Well, sure. I could have told you that. Just ask anyone who's ever had a gas leak. ["Or been to TWoP HQ on burrito night." -- Sars]

And speaking of impending doom, we've now reached the epic, nine-billion hour flirtation scene between Rebadoze and Patti LuPone. We begin with a bit of business about William Blake, but when you can honestly say that a scene was done better in Red Dragon, you know you've got problems. We then segue into Patti's oh-so-dramatic "Why are you really here in Oz?" monologue, which appears to have been have photocopied directly out of a Screenwriting For Dummies Back-Story For Conflicted But Ultimately Kind-Hearted Tertiary Characters checklist. You see, her house was once burglarized by a frightened young teen (while she was there! Plus she was naked!), but her liberal guilt and casual disregard for the value of a good DVD player prompted her to go visit him in juvenile hall. In a truly shocking turn of events, the kid turned out to actually be a gangster with a heart of gold, who needed only the redemptive powers of literacy to unlock his latent good citizenship. Wow. The more you know, huh? In a further twist -- which was reportedly picked up by NASA radio telescopes before it even entered the plane of the elliptic -- he was tragically stabbed to death before triumphantly regaining his freedom and embarking on a long, rewarding career as a law-abiding bibliophile. And so now she struggles on ever-valiantly, over-acting in the face of all adversity, and always preaching the good word that reading truly is FUN!damental. Sigh. Shut up, Patti. Shut up, neck string. And while we're at it, shut up, scene! This has been going on forever! Just kill someone already, for Christ's sake! Reunite Beecher and Keller! Show some dick! I'm dying here! Er, wait. It's Rebadoze. I take back that part about showing dick.

I am, however, now forced to admit that Rebadow just made me laugh, and he didn't even have to drop trou to do it. He's rolling the book cart through Em City, chanting "Libros! Libros para los muertos!" Heh. And even if I only laughed because it reminded me of that scene in Quick Change, it's still his best line in three seasons. The other inmates, Busmalis included, tease him about the books in a nicely crafted tracking shot that winds its way through the common area, and ends with McManus coming over to tell Busmalis that Norma came to visit him again. Busmalis remains adamant that he isn't interested in seeing her, although he does helpfully exposit their entire history for those who can't be bothered to remember these things (like me, for example). In a mildly successful attempt to convince Busmalis to meet with her, Timbo slyly hints that there may be some secret problem with Norma or the child. Then he departs, secure in the knowledge that once again, his ham-handed attempts at psychological manipulation are doomed backfire, bringing inevitable misery and despair upon everyone involved (like me, for example).

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