Straight Life

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: B+ | Grade It Now!
Don't Worry, The Title's Ironic

Wangler comes into the visiting area and greets what are apparently his girlfriend and young child. Wow. I've seen a lot of inmates who really shouldn't have children, but Wangler may lead the list of Worst Potential Fathers. That's partially because you could add his emotional age and the age he appears to be physically and still end up south of eighteen. Hill talks about floods as Wangler removes a mini-baggie from his child's diaper and pops it into his mouth. Dude, making your kid a runner before he's even old enough to walk is fucked up even for you, jerkoff. Wangler passes the strip search, and then attempts to pass something else in his pod as Adebisi and Markstram wait impatiently. Wangler pulls out the far-too-clean baggie all, "Ta-daa!" It's a good thing Wangler didn't have any trouble there. I'd hate to see a jonesing Adebisi offer to help extract the troublesome material. Hill's still talking about people's homes in the Midwest getting washed away. I'm not sure I'm getting his point, but if it's that these monologues are only bearable in an altered state, he's preaching to the choir, as the painkillers I'm on from my appendectomy are making this speech all good, yo. There's a hilarious CrackCam shot of Adebisi, Wangler, and Markstram looking nice and high. Adebisi laughs all creepy Cooper-in-the-Black-Lodge-style. McManus enters and yells at them, proving that he can harsh even the strongest of buzzes. The man could have turned Woodstock into a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert.

McManus pedebitches to Diane about the lax job the hacks are doing in Em City. You really know how to sweet-talk a girl, Timbo. He whines, "The whole concept behind Emerald City is that we never take our eyes off anyone." I thought the whole concept was for a loser dickhead to try to find some meaning in his pathetic pointless life by playing God with a bunch of people who have no choice in the matter, but maybe I've been recapping a different show. Diane says they are vigilant, but McManus points out Beecher's sw-ass-tika, Alvarez's self-Etch-A-Sketch, and the classroom Hoovering we saw earlier as evidence that the hacks perhaps need to remove their thumbs from their asses. Diane opines that in life, "shit slides through," although that apparently doesn't apply to Wangler. She goes on that if he has a problem with the way she runs things, he should replace her. No, Diane, no! I'm not ready for Officer Claire yet! McManus says he won't do that, as we get a flashback to The Scene That Must Not Be Named. Diane: "Why? 'Cause we're fucking each other?" Pardon me while I pop out and get my painkiller prescription refilled. Does whiskey go well with codeine? Well, there's only one way to find out.

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