The Routine

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: A+ | 3 USERS: A+
We're Off To See The Wizard

Hill tells us that McManus created an experimental unit inside Oz called Emerald City. I guess that makes him the man behind the curtain. Now if he'd only stay there. Hill says that to him, Em City is a concentration camp. To me, it's really high-end porn. Anyone else?

Hey, it's Diane! How we've all missed you since you went to that other show. She's explaining the rules of Em City to the new arrivals (minus Alvarez), the first of which is to keep your cell spotless. In other words, we'd better not find any jizz on the floor. By the way, "jizz" is apparently in my MS Word dictionary. Just thought you'd like to know. Diane goes on that they are to exercise regularly, attend classes and counseling, and work in one of the prison factories. She says that they will be told when to eat, sleep, and piss, and that there is no yelling, no fighting, and no fucking. I can only conclude from this speech that it has always been Opposite Day in Oz. The door slides open, and Diane says that they'll each have a sponsor who will help them get used to the routine. Groves mutters that he doesn't want any "fucking sponsors" or "fucking routine." Dude, you had a Ma and Pa sandwich, and not in the sexy way. We already know you're not really into toeing the line, okay? Rebadow (I'm reserving judgment on whether to borrow the "Rebadoze" moniker until I re-familiarize myself with the early character) sticks out his hand and introduces himself to Groves. Groves grabs it, feels it, and starts licking it. Rebadow actually looks like he might be enjoying it, which is so creepy that I kind of completely love it. He finally pulls back his hand and says evenly, "Nice to meet you too." Markstram gets Keane, and they exchange some sort of hand signal. Beecher gets Ortolani. I'm going to get it over with and just admit that I think Ortolani is hot. There, I said it. Let the ridicule begin. Beecher sticks out his hand, and gets left hanging. Heh. Ortolani says in a very sexy voice (I have a problem here, people) that he doesn't guess Beecher is Italian. Beecher smiles dopily. Ortolani asks if he's in for shaving strokes off his golf score, which cues our first "This Is Your Life! Except Not Anymore, Because You Went And Fucked It Up By Doing This" flashback. Hill intones, "Prisoner Number 97B412. Tobias Beecher." We see Beecher at the wheel of a compact, clearly intoxicated, weaving around the road. He approaches a girl on a bicycle, and we all wince as we see where this is going. A girl in my junior high school died in a similar way, except it was completely her fault, but that didn't make it any less horrifying. Anyway, the girl ends up facedown on the windshield as Beecher gapes in shock. It's a nice touch that the incident occurred during the day, as it gives us a clue that Beecher had a serious alcohol problem. "Vehicular manslaughter. Sentence fifteen years. Up for parole in four." Well, parole's not all it's cracked up to be, it would seem.

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