Parenthood

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Faking It

People, I'm tired. Thanks much to Lulu Bates who took the reins last week while I was out on a whirlwind trip that took about 20 hours, eleventy thousand baby items for one night's stay with her grandmother, most of my vocal chords and ALL of my sanity. Just know that when I was screaming out my band's untouchable cover of the incomparable Jackson 5's greatest hit "Who's Loving You?" because I couldn't hear myself in the monitor... I was thinking of you.

Morning dawns on the house of Adam Braverman. Ah, the glorious suburban morning. Buzzing bees, birds singing in the trees and... the very loud and all-too-accurate sounds of people having sex. Must we, Ron Howard? I thought this was a family program. Anyway, yeah, they bangin'. Adam doesn't even get all the through his dismount before Kristina is looking at the clock. Likewise, his attempts to bask in the afterglow are cut painfully short. "I have to wash Max's bandana," Kristina says, suddenly. Adam is nonplussed, but Kristina is off like a shot, truly babbling as she throws on a robe about Max's new behavioral aide who is getting there at 10, and Haddie's biology test which she apparently hasn't studied for, at all. "Whoa, whoa, whoa," Adam interrupts. "We just had morning sex. Like, free, unadulterated, pre-kid morning sex." Here, our first sign of a problem: dude thinks women like morning sex. I mean, it's fine, but come on. "Yeah, it was nice," Kristina says, busy. Adam: "Nice?" Kristina says yeah, whatever, it was amazingly nice and chop-chop, time to get downstairs. Poor Adam is left to contemplate his manliness, or lack thereof.

Sarah is doing the daily dropoff, wondering aloud why school has to start so damn early and on a day as sucky as Monday. Their school starts at 8:30? That seems late, actually. Of course, somehow the schools in my neighborhood all start and end at different times, because I can't go out my door without getting behind a school bus, no matter the hour. These kids today, am I right? While Sarah, who was probably up all night working at the bar, continues to complain, Amber asks if she could maybe pull up a few hundred yards away from the door. "Are you kidding me?" Sarah asks. "I'm so embarrassing that I can't drop you off in the front of the school?" Amber says "kind of," and I say "bullshit." Sorry, I know it's TV, but on no planet would having Lauren Graham as your mom be embarrassing. No time to think on that, though, because into their orbit strolls Mr. Cyr, to the immortal strains of "Don't Stand So Close to Me." (Not really, but how I wish!) Instantly, both Amber and Sarah smile 1,000 watts each. "Hi-i-i," they each sing-song. "Don't Monday's suck," Mr. Cyr says, and just as Sarah is about to say "I was just saying the same thing," Amber says she was... just saying the same thing. "I literally just said that," she says flirtily. "That's so weird." Yes, it is very weird. Sarah does not rat her out, but as they both trill a cutesy goodbye to Mr. Cyr, Amber shoots her mom a little look of suspicion. I would have enjoyed seeing Drew's reaction to all of that, at the very least to see if he would drolly comment on Mr. Cyr's painful, Skeet-Ulrich-like 1997 facial hair.

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Parenthood

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